Anxiety and me

Anxiety and me

Since I last properly blogged I've been battling a life changing anxiety disorder it really has been life changing.

My anxiety starts with food I can not eat solid food any more because I am so anxious about food it's awful, I've been lucky to have the support of my doctors and close friends and family who have supported me to a good level of weight that's not scary.

My day begins very early around 4am I wake up and then I listen to the radio, I'm already anxious what if my phone hasn't charged? Then I start worrying what If I can not do the few things I can like reach my pillow (I often can not which results in tears). I find listening to radio x really helps wether it be Toby, rich or Chris and the team it's king of soothing to hear voices I recognise.

When my dad arrives he helps me get up, I often sit for a few mins on my bed letting my joints wake up, I'm already thinking how am I going to get up the pain is bad. But I do. Then after greeting the dog, using the toilet. I go to have a drink and my liquid food. My anxiety takes over as I have to check the straw to make sure there's nothing in it or even a hair on it, it causes a lot of stress, as stupid as that may sound.

I then have a few hours on my own. Which I sit and do emails or listen to my music. My brain is already worrying about will peter arrive, can I charge my iPad? What if I need the toilet?

Monday and Friday Carolyn comes (my cousin) I become anxious about getting in and out of the bath, and although we laugh I worry about getting water in my eyes. I'm lucky I have family to help me as we can laugh, and try and re root my thoughts.

Shopping for the weekly shop. I go to a large Tesco I have a list and I follow that I do the same route every week and if it's in a different order I get anxious, I don't even know why, I wish I did! 

I've now got a wheelchair adaptable vehicle and I get anxious about the belts being attached right and my brakes being on. It's a different experience I find going out in it stressful as I crnt judge things like you can In the front, I had to get it but I wish I didn't. 

My love of football has even been affected I won't go into to much detail but this was the trigger of the anxiety, I had to stop going at one point, I was crying in the car saying please take me home, I even had Andy walk round old Trafford 5 times before I'd go in and I'd still cry!

Even bed time brings on anxiety as my mind won't switch off, so I listen to Jon Kennedy on radio x which helps occupy the negative in my head. 

I hope one day to have Vicky back but I think this is the new Vicky which I'm learning to live with slowly. On very little sleep!! 

Thanks to my brother, Carolyn, other family members, friends (lee in particular for late night chats!) and of course my amazing team .. without you I wouldn't get through a day let alone the last year 

V xx

It's been a while!

Good evening!

So in 2016 my blog slowly stopped! I just didn't have the head space for blog about my life, however I've decided that I'm coming back to my blog however I've forgotten my log in details, so if I go quite that's why .. I may need to relaunch myself .. keep your eyes peeled!

So much has happened since I last blogged I will do a review and I've even ticked off a few of my bucket list I made in 2015 so I'll have to update there!

So until tomorrow

V xx

Being a red!

Being a red!!

Being a united fan is like being in this huge family that you didn't know you had! The Reds travel up and down the uk following the Reds and trek across Europe! We do it for our United love of the red shirt, of the crest of Manchester United football club.

Many see me at away games and the odd home game, smiling, in my infamous pink hat! What they don't see is what it does take it get there, because I suffer with rheumatoid arthritis which means I'm in a wheelchair and server anxiety and mild depression.

Day before match day my anxiety kicks in and I can not sleep, trust me I think of everything from missing my train to match called off!

The morning I have to get up 2 hours before I even think of getting ready to get my joints moving enough, then I need to get dressed! Ok now I'll base it on a home game. I then sit worrying about my lift not turning up, I have to take painkillers just todo the 2 hour drive to Manchester without crying in pain! When we eventually get to old Trafford, I've at least once asked to turn around because of my anxiety! There's been tears and so my pain is bad and I'm rocking.

Out the car I can see old Trafford but I crnt go in, after being lifted into my chair I'm thinking I'd rather sit in the car! Now off to the stadium and we walk through crowds my anxiety is huge ... we walk around the stadium so I can compose myself!

We go in, I see certain friendly faces they know I'm upset but put a happy face on we chat. Anxiety lowers but I'm rocking in my seat due to my pain.

Match starts for 90 minutes I'm that smiley pink hat fan people know ...

Then the anxiety starts all over again, the pain worse for sitting in the cold weather.

It takes me two days to recover ....

Why do I do it? Because I'm a RED!

My friend Lee

hi everyone,

I havnt blogged for a while but I want you guys to meet my friend lee from the USA!  We started following each other because we both support mufc, one day a year ago I tweeted something about my health and lee dropped me a private message. Since that day we have spoken every day about everything from Christmas, thanksgiving, United, Clemson, Seahawks and Atlanta! Plus personal stuff too. It's been lovely to have a friend to talk to about anythimg.

We have laughed and cried together through social media .. it's been a rocky 2016

Thanks for being there at 4am when I'm in so much pain .. or when I'm ready to moan about well football! Lol

This year would have been tough without you ❤️

Thanks for everything, here's to 2017

Update

hello,

It's been a while since I gave an update on things. I thought being 31 would be a good year it's not, my rheumatoid has got so much worse.

You see I don't have physio or hydro any ore, I'd love a hydro/hot tub at home it's so relaxing on my joints I feel so chilled out without pain because of the heat.

Anyway ..

Now things have changed I crnt get on and off the toilet any more I have to be lifted. They are looking at getting me a hoist, which upsets me, but I've such a small frame an adult one doesn't fit and a child one doesn't fit because I'm to big! So now I have to wait to get one made for me.

I havnt eaten solid food since February, but I was having trouble before then. So now all my food is pureed and my weight is dangerously low, I have to rely on someone to do all my food.

I crnt even get on or off my bed now I'm lifted again and then I have blankets put over me as I crnt even do that now.

I've had emotional issues to, my anxiety is the worse it's been, my depression is bad too, my confidence is shot, I don't see a way forward.

Oh and getting in and out my car is a lifting job, my brother is the only one that can do it. I've got to look at a wheelchair car/van now. I feel so sad about this.

Sorry for moaning I know others are worse off

Xx

Anxiety

Not many of you will know this but i suffer from bad anxiety in particular around food & stressful situations. Now I am sure you all know how much I love football, well the two worlds collided this week and it was awful.

For days, I had really bad headache and bad phelgm because I couldn't do much else but worry about Thursday night, I'd never felt like that before. Now my close friends, dad and doctor and therapist all told me to face the anxiety and enjoy my past time, but I wasn't excited. I nearly cancelled my lift! 

So I get ready with help from my brother, I'm already in tears before my mates arrive. Once I'm in the car I'm uncharacteristically quite bar saying DDG wasn't playing. The closer I got to Manchester I started feeling sick and my stomach was hurting I was nearly doubled up in pain. After getting out the car I had a little cry, people I'm close to told me to get a grip! 

When we got to old Trafford, I couldn't go in so my friend walked round the outside of old Trafford, my stomach hurt so bad, I was crying on and off. Andy said we going in? I didn't want to but I didn't want to sit in the car either!! As the radio goes off after an hour to save car battery and it was on a dark Manchester street!! 

I managed to get into stadium looked for my friend Andy M but couldn't see him so went to my seat. Still feeling sick, belly ache and thinking all kind of things. Then Andy M came bombing down and told me to get a grip in only a way proper friends can, he also made me feel better even cracked a half smile! 

As we left old Trafford my stomach ache went and I didn't feel sick any more, I talked to Andy and Pete all the way home! Then feel asleep.

Will I go back to old Trafford? I don't know well I probably will I've got a Derby Togo to haha!!  It's just not the same any more.

I miss you none anxious Vicky 

To people of the Internet

I'm just a girl, I started this blog when I was hmm 26 I think, wow is it that long, I should check! I started talking about the early years and loosing my mum, since then we've been through a lot I'm 31 and a half now! I havnt shared all my ups and down, when I've been depressed I crnt face blogging, I crnt face much. Although my depression is medium st the min my anxiety is high, didn't have anxiety when I started this blog!

Now I'm sure you remember the wheelchair introduction and the home electric chair, remember when I went full Pelt into the wall, did that hurt! 

I bet you remember the pots of me thanking friends too, the girls, the lads, some of them are not even around now. The football adventures and I still have yet to tell you all about Berlin & Wolfsburg boy was it cold, but I loved the hotel "abba hotel" it was huge and so so nice, so if you find yourself in Berlin then check it out people!!

But you see the point of today and it's aimed at NO ONE in particular a loneliness. I mean don't get me wrong I love footie and football aquinences as even they are dropping off now! But there's more to me than that, yet I feel stuck trapped in my own body. I crnt go anywhere alone yet it feels like no one wants to come with me either, does that even make sense? It's so upsetting I miss exploring and doing random exbos ... I miss just doing stuff .. I miss peopLe wanting todo stuff with me. 

I feel like I need to make a new circle of friends but I don't know how? I hate rheumToid and I hate being in a wheelchair I want my life back

Xx