Dear D

Dear D,

I refer to you as dad but just so everyone knows you are in fact my biological farther. So congratulations on that one, for having a 30 year old daughter with a heart problem and rheumatoid arthritis who you never bothered with, I mean I've been waiting 7 years for a phone call.

Why that should suprise me I really don't know as I waited for you when you told mum you were coming I'd sit waiting for you in nan and granddad window, waiting for my dad, but u never turned up did you D? You never called you never sent a card you just didn't acknowledge me. 

But D you have 4 other children that you love a boy and 3 girls, so what about me? Was I not good enough for you? Oh no wait it's because you couldn't be with me wasn't it because your a lore and a cheat aren't you D? That's the truth isn't it?

You see D even now at 30 I don't really want anything from you because you don't want me, I mean you boasted when you found out I got into law school, what do your other kids do D? I wouldn't know would I. I want to know if I am so sick because of you though D, because heart problems don't run in my mums family so that must be you D? I mean let's face it your wife did tell my mum that she hoped I died, thanks for that D I was just a small baby having life saving surgery. But you wouldn't know that? But D you were there because your sisters child had died of a heart problem, so it must be you why I have a heart problem is it your DNA D? 

But then is it you why I have hearing issues? Is it you why I have rheumatoid? Is it you my health problems are the badness in me? I'd love to ask you but you probably wouldn't recognise me now, why would I bother because lets face it D you don't exactly want to know me or you'd have called?

So D, you did ring when I was a teenager I remember it because I was walking through new street to get my train home from work and I couldn't answer, you know the train was important D, like your life seems important with out me in it. When I got back to grove my dad (H) drove me home and I went up stairs to listen to my answer phone message and it said "hello vicky it's your dad" now I know this will sound a bit odd and all but what gave you the right to call your self my dad? I mean I know you legally are you actually came to the hospital (well done D!) and you managed to sign my birth certificate to say yes you was my dad, well done again you did 2 things in my life, I really must congratulate you I didn't know you cared.

When my mum died I knew she'd want you to know, I think she thought u might u know keep in touch with me. But nope yet again I was let down D, you see when I think of my biological dad I think how much I've been let down by you D, why could you not just give me a chance? 

I know the stupid thing is even at 30 and after writting this I'd still welcome you into my life why? Because D you are my dad and you hold so many answers to so many questions, you have a family a brother and 3 sisters and nieces and nephews that I only wish I knew, I mean I know my half brother and he's cool, but my sisters won't even met me because of your wife, you know the one you cheated on? I mean D the one you were divorcing isn't that right D? 

Oh but dad there is one thing thanks for leaving me because if you'd have stayed I'd have been a villa fan and granddad didn't much like them! I wonder if that's why he never seemed to like you, or nan or my aunty and uncles ... Guess I crnt foam my own opinion because you never gave me the opportunity D.

Thanks though for giving me my life even if it seems your DNA is bloody terrible good job I'm better than you I'm a fighter you see .. 

To my mum

Dear mum,

This year 2015 marks 7 years since you died and went to live with angels and how things have changed. You see mum when you died I went Into shock and my body couldn't cope so I got a disease called rheumatoid arthritis, I know right I'd never heard of it either. It's been tough adapting to life with out you and with rheumatoid. You see I didn't just loose my mum on August 20th I lost my best friend and my fountain of knowledge, I mean who else could tell me how to make actual rocks in the oven .. Yes I remember dad breaking his tooth on them too! Who else could hold me and tell me it is all going to be ok, who else can I ring when I just want a chat about mummy daughter things? No one because no on can replace you. 

I am lucky that I have a good family around me and you know mum that's credit to grandad and nan because family values are important. I still go round to dads every Sunday for lunch, but lets face it mum, no one is ever going to make roast potatoes like yours! Or even cheese and potato pie because mum they were your specialities in the kitchen! I mean Carolyn use to come round just for cheese and potatoe pie lol!  

You see mum I crnt walk any more and so it's tough these days you know todo simple things that we all take for granted. But I don't moan much mum because you showed me how to battle hard and long against disease, you see mum ever now I am looking at you for advise and guidance.

I've changed to since you died, I think I found myself again in many ways, I love going to music gigs esp with Carolyn because we like the same music, we have seen many people we are going to see olly this month and a music all dayer in may, haha yes we are doing to rock in Manchester! 

I also changed because I realised something that I had often let things get in the way of traveling but no I don't mum I just do it because life's to short, I'm still not that keen on flying though! You'd laugh at me when I was in France because I had to be carried down the steps of the plane in my wheelchair how you would have laughed but I know you'd have been worried too! I always said I'd travel and I love it mum.

I know you know I always liked football, remember when I sat with dad in the kitchen shouting at refs and ud be sat watching the soaps, wondering what all the fuss was about! I've gone to quite a few football matches but I don't go with dad, or uncle Charlie I go on my own, well with friends but not family. I go and shout and often in my funny pink hat, now mum you'd really laugh at that! I think you'd like the lads at football mum they are always polite to me and helpful with my wheelchair, even if we re sat with home fans! Or worse still I'm moaning I crnt see anything! 

I also started doing a lot of bothering for disabled sports fans mainly around football but others sports too, trying to make things fair for us all you know mum because that's important isn't it? You always taught me never to let things lie if I believed in it and I havnt I even wrote to the FA! (Don't worry mum I know you don't know who that is!)

Something else though mum you know I've had my struggles and my tears but you told me to look I to my self and find out who I am and I really feel that I know that to an extent and I even feel like I belong somewhere now with my football friends that's where I am happy the most mum.

But mum you know the main thing you always told me to keep family close and I do, me and Carolyn do loads together and I saw Chris near my birthday, I wish I saw him more though. I see peter every week even if he'd rather not! I also see dad every day. I'm going on holiday with aunty pol and uncle Charlie this year and I can not wait although I think uncle Charlie is abit nervous! I spoke to aunty Rita and uncle andy too when I can. I don't see nan that much it's hard for me and she often calls me she and it upsets me mum.

You see mum we all miss and love you but mum you are never forgotten everyone remembers aunty sue, sister sue or just mum.

Maybe I will write to you again mum it's been good to chat! 

Love you mum

Your tricky vicky xxx

The grove (a name given to the town I live!)

You see for the last I don't know two years I've said and been looking to move to my spiritual home of Manchester the place I love and feel comfortable but today I've been sat thinking of my town, my home and got a bit emotional.

You see early in 1985 I made my way In to this world, I mean I was born in our community hospital I'm a real "grove" (nickname)  girl, but I've never settled here. 

After being born I went to the big city cuz I was sick! Then I came home to the whole street out banners and everything for me when I came home after open heart surgery I had survived.

Before that though my town had pulled together to support my mum, my family. Yet still i don't feel i belong.

Grove was the place I went to school, all three, to college for a night course it was where I experienced my first work experience in a kitchen, where my god mother worked.

You see this little town we have been been through a lot together, good and bad times,

When my granddad died and you came to pay your respects to a great man

When my mum died you where there for me in your own way

I've said goodbye to mum here when I went off to uni, when uncle has gone back to Canada 

I've Been bullied here too .. I even met my first boyfriend here peter! 

But now I'm 30 and I'm surrounded by sadness,

I remember sitting waiting for my real dad to come In Nan's house

I look out my window to the graveyard where I know too many people In there

When I visit my dads I see mums resting place 

When I visit the community hospital I see the windows of the rooms my mum and granddad passed away in.

So grove there have been good times and bad times and sadness 

But you see that's why I need to leave to let go of the triggers that make me so sad to release myself from the spell of this small town, Togo out on my own invisable just a girl in a wheelchair that no one cares about 

Not "so and so's daughter/niece/cousin/granddaughter" or the "heart kid" or "the girl in the wheelchair" 

What's going to hurt most of all though is saying goodbye to my family I know it's not forever because I'll be back as they say but it'll be weird being 100 miles north of them! 

Rheumatoid jaw

Now I have ra in many of my joints that I just live with every day. But when my jaw kicks in it's just awful 

TMJ due to rheumatoid is the official line basically my jaw joins imflams and causes pain across my face, into my jaw and my ear, the pain then sets off headaches/migraine and it's just no fun at all

You see you crnt eat much, crnt take meds the pain just gets you in every way.

Today's one of them days when u just want a hug and a friend 

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day xx

Rheumatoid in football terms

So today I saw my consultant and he said I've been thinking about how to describe rheumatoid in different terms. However I think it's quite good! So here it is,

Football manager - the disease

Players - the flare up

The manager is always there but then your players start playing in formation which makes your disease flare and to stop the flare you must break the formation to stop flaring which In turn means the manager has to group to make another flare happen! 

So there you go rheumatoid flare in football terms!!! 

Just because

You see ibe thought about this blog for a lomg time now, considered weather it should be dome or not but I decided tonight that I'm just going todo it!

So you see pre-rheumatoid I had a heart problem but that was all I would happily get my favourite dress on and my high heels and go out with my partner at the time. Or even go and sit at a sporting event in my jeans a jumper! And people still saw me as a person a young person all be it! 

Fast forward to a few years a go and suddenly I had a wheelchair as well and suddenly I became invisable I mean not totally because lets face it if you know me in have a big mouth and not afraid to use it! Esp shouting at football matches! 

But the truth is I lost a lot of confidence, a lot of friends a lot of people didn't see me as they use to me .. A strong minded female .. All of a sudden I was "vicky in a wheelchair" 

I AM MORE THAN A WHEELCHAIR

Now if uve followed my blog a while u will know of my adventures it took me a while to have the confidence Togo out and do things in my wheelchair and I am lucky that not all people only see the wheelchair I am lucky I have some friends and not just my footie mates 

This is me in my wheelchair wrapped for a football game at Newcastle, some people will see the wheelchair not the we smile not the girl who's traveled to see her team, not the girl inside 

These are pictures of me standing for a short few seconds or standing out of the wheelchair in my going out clothes .. 

So really what's the difference to a person able or in a wheelchair .. Yes I know the wheelchair but beyond that nothing ..

So this post is really brave but I'm putting it out there to help others who like me want to be seen as a person not just a wheelchair.

Blog soon

Xx

Just when you think you are seeing the light

The past few months I havnt been able to blog so much because I have been up and out quite a lot what with football, Manchester and of course my trip to Dublin all of which have been fantastic!

Then you have to come home and reality hits again and maybe when you though things were going ok but really they were not as good as you thought.

I mean I'm not saying anything is terribly wrong, I'm just saying things could be better in some areas.

Rheumatoid arthritis

Well the good news of course if my knee extension has yet again improved I mean who'd have thought that? My knee has gone from 87 degre angel to 67 degree angel which is just massive for me, I mean I still can not stand for long or walk but it's better than any of us though it could get so I have to be pleased with that progress. 

On the other side of the coin, my very stiff and pain is very bad and in my physios words "your the worse I've seen you in a long time" make your own mind up from that evaluation.

It's not just rheumatoid there is so very much more to this but you know I just can not go Into that right now, because it am still working it out in my own head what went wrong? What the hell happened? 

But you know when I've worked that out I'll be sure to update you all.

Hearing

I had my hearing assessment today which was long but ok, well bar finding out my right ear is well quite useless, but that's another story all together! 

Disclaimer 

You see a girl in a wheelchair ... You may think that poor soul, how bad must she be at 30 stuck I'm that wheelchair, maybe im should take pitty on her 

I might be 30 I'm a wheelchair and on my own but my brain works perfectly well thank you and I feel everything like you guys I have feelings you know? 

Just because I am in a wheelchair does not mean I am not independant maybe not as much as I'd like to be but I am.

I live by myself and have done for a number of years, guys may have left me because they could not cope with this disease, friends may have left for the same reason. But guess what 

I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS EVERY DAY