Thursday, 1 June 2017

Anxiety and me

Anxiety and me

Since I last properly blogged I've been battling a life changing anxiety disorder it really has been life changing.

My anxiety starts with food I can not eat solid food any more because I am so anxious about food it's awful, I've been lucky to have the support of my doctors and close friends and family who have supported me to a good level of weight that's not scary.

My day begins very early around 4am I wake up and then I listen to the radio, I'm already anxious what if my phone hasn't charged? Then I start worrying what If I can not do the few things I can like reach my pillow (I often can not which results in tears). I find listening to radio x really helps wether it be Toby, rich or Chris and the team it's king of soothing to hear voices I recognise.

When my dad arrives he helps me get up, I often sit for a few mins on my bed letting my joints wake up, I'm already thinking how am I going to get up the pain is bad. But I do. Then after greeting the dog, using the toilet. I go to have a drink and my liquid food. My anxiety takes over as I have to check the straw to make sure there's nothing in it or even a hair on it, it causes a lot of stress, as stupid as that may sound.

I then have a few hours on my own. Which I sit and do emails or listen to my music. My brain is already worrying about will peter arrive, can I charge my iPad? What if I need the toilet?

Monday and Friday Carolyn comes (my cousin) I become anxious about getting in and out of the bath, and although we laugh I worry about getting water in my eyes. I'm lucky I have family to help me as we can laugh, and try and re root my thoughts.

Shopping for the weekly shop. I go to a large Tesco I have a list and I follow that I do the same route every week and if it's in a different order I get anxious, I don't even know why, I wish I did! 

I've now got a wheelchair adaptable vehicle and I get anxious about the belts being attached right and my brakes being on. It's a different experience I find going out in it stressful as I crnt judge things like you can In the front, I had to get it but I wish I didn't. 

My love of football has even been affected I won't go into to much detail but this was the trigger of the anxiety, I had to stop going at one point, I was crying in the car saying please take me home, I even had Andy walk round old Trafford 5 times before I'd go in and I'd still cry!

Even bed time brings on anxiety as my mind won't switch off, so I listen to Jon Kennedy on radio x which helps occupy the negative in my head. 

I hope one day to have Vicky back but I think this is the new Vicky which I'm learning to live with slowly. On very little sleep!! 

Thanks to my brother, Carolyn, other family members, friends (lee in particular for late night chats!) and of course my amazing team .. without you I wouldn't get through a day let alone the last year 


V xx

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