Sunday, 28 August 2016

To people of the Internet

I'm just a girl, I started this blog when I was hmm 26 I think, wow is it that long, I should check! I started talking about the early years and loosing my mum, since then we've been through a lot I'm 31 and a half now! I havnt shared all my ups and down, when I've been depressed I crnt face blogging, I crnt face much. Although my depression is medium st the min my anxiety is high, didn't have anxiety when I started this blog!

Now I'm sure you remember the wheelchair introduction and the home electric chair, remember when I went full Pelt into the wall, did that hurt! 

I bet you remember the pots of me thanking friends too, the girls, the lads, some of them are not even around now. The football adventures and I still have yet to tell you all about Berlin & Wolfsburg boy was it cold, but I loved the hotel "abba hotel" it was huge and so so nice, so if you find yourself in Berlin then check it out people!!

But you see the point of today and it's aimed at NO ONE in particular a loneliness. I mean don't get me wrong I love footie and football aquinences as even they are dropping off now! But there's more to me than that, yet I feel stuck trapped in my own body. I crnt go anywhere alone yet it feels like no one wants to come with me either, does that even make sense? It's so upsetting I miss exploring and doing random exbos ... I miss just doing stuff .. I miss peopLe wanting todo stuff with me. 

I feel like I need to make a new circle of friends but I don't know how? I hate rheumToid and I hate being in a wheelchair I want my life back

Xx

Wednesday, 17 August 2016

Rheumatologist

So after a long break tomorrow brings the day I go back to seeing a specialist for my arthritis. To be honest with you, I'm scared, worried, anxious and generally I don't want Togo! But I will go with profs words in my ears, go be strong and remember you are in control and that's what I will hold on to.

Not along blog sorry just my feelings ahead of tomorrow, I will do a follow up though tomorrow 

Xx

Wednesday, 27 July 2016

Dog treats!

Good afternoon,

So last night we have a delivery for some cat food and 2 dog treats, yum yum!!

I got them from barking heads, firstly is like to say they have an amazing customer service!

Now I havnt got pics of the cats yet.. But here goes

Ben really likes the strawberry and cream but he's not good at having his photo done! Upon opening the bag you could smell them and hey we're good!  But I went to dads and Mel nearly ate the whole bag she's a greedy girl 


Yes look at me having my pic taken! Yum yum when am I getting one again? 

I also got some Milkies for my bros puppy and Lenny this they are amazing, give me biscuit or I'll chew your wheelchair!! 





Saturday, 23 July 2016

Anxiety and eating

Good evening,

I've never really talked about this before but here goes.

Not many of you will know this but I've suffered with depression officially since I was 16 years old, I'm 31 now, although suspected I've suffered longer. I managed to hide my depression pretty well by always being busy, I studied a lot! When I got RA I couldn't be as busy and the depression worsened.

I've also been diagnosed with adjustment disorder (mainly heard of in the USA) it basically means that a person doesn't cope well with big changes, loosing my mum, getting RA, wheelchair and now loosing my nan ... It's been tough!

Now I won't bore you with explaining my anxiety and eating individually but here's my story.

 Unfortunately since November 2015 I have been battling and at one point loosing an eating disorder. Now I'm not anerexic or balimic my eating problem doesn't have an official name but it's "anxiety driven eating disorder" this means basically anxiety stops me eating.

Now I need to make it clear, I want to eat and this problem is incredibly upsetting and frustrating to me my brain is a hindrance. When I see solid food I have an anxiety attack and I can not eat, I think I'm going to choke it's awful, mans a time I've just cried. I want to eat liver, chicken, potato scallop, Sunday lunch but my brain just stops me, I hate it.

If it's food I don't know then I panic I'm going to have a reaction even though it's unlikely stupid eh? 

I'm sat crying this

So I've become very thin and not the best but I'm trying every day a little bit harder, I can BEAT this one day.

I have four fortisip a day 2x fibre drinks and 2x protein drinks .. These are effectively keeping me going.

I also have soup and broccoli cheese ... That's so good! I love yoghurts and double cream! I've started having mash potato again we use a potato ricer and use butter and cream high calorie and very good! 

I've got a purée machine which I use to purée my veg and also things like liver casserole which I can purée and cornbeef hash which is good.

So yes I'm going through a bad time but I'm not letting it defeat me and one day soon I'll write a blog saying I BEAT IT! Oh and eat an amazing cream cake .. I dream of cream cakes lol

V xx

Thursday, 21 July 2016

Mum

Dear mum,

I was sat here thinking of you today, I was wondering what you'd say? Who you'd be proud of? Then I wished I could call you, I even talked about you today, telling Peter about when dad brough Ben the black Labrador home! Then I remembered I couldn't call you, you'd be gone nearly eigh whole years, you left us, to be eternally young and with your daddy. Then I though to myself nan would love to hear about me falling asleep at Wigan, but I couldn't ring her either, it's nearly been six whole months mum? Give her a hug from me.

How have I been left so alone at 31? I mean I have cried so many tears in recent months, just wanted you love, support and advice on all things being thrown at me, a hug from you would make it all better, but I don't have that, I just want to talk to you, I want you to make it all better, because you always made things better mum. I said what would grandad say today I laughed and said he'd say what's happened to you all, I miss our family mum. I miss seeing nan and grandad and aunt pol and uncle Charlie on a Saturday, I feel so alone mum, where has my family gone.

I know your looking out for me though mum coz my football always works out in the end, even if I leave everything to last minute, or are you keeping me on my toes mum?! Lol

Oh mum I miss you so much wish we could hug again, can you believe you've been gone for a whole 8 years next month .. Jesus has my life been crazy since then lol 

My tears will never stop, my love will continue, but mum it won't bring you back, your gone, I crnt hear you any more, I crnt hug you .. But I'll always love my mum no matter what ... Keep hugging nan & grandad ... I miss my inner circle so much 

Love you mum xxxx

Sunday, 17 July 2016

DW Wigan scoring

So this season I'm going to add a score to each stadium .. I'm sure you'll all find interesting! 

I am scoring each point out of 5 

Pre contact  - 4

The email was returned quickly although little information about the actually parking situation at the DW even though explaining I was an away fan.

Parking - 1

Although there was plenty of places, there wasn't any designated disabled parking so hard to get in/out of car if your parked next to and cost £5

Stewards - 3

Stewards, helped us get Kevin's ticket reprinted and all smiled but there just wasn't enough about, I know it was only a pre season but I think the majority of stewards were mufc and not Wigan, cold do better! 

Cleanliness - 4

Overall it wasn't too bad!

Signage - 0

This was because we had no direction on how to get into the DW as disabled fans we just wondered round! Then upstairs we had no idea were e2 was again no signs and so I scored this low, we could have easily missed kick off.

Toilets - N/A

I didn't use toilet so I crnt fairly give this a score. It was noted it was ramped access though.

View - 1 

This was poor, if I hadn't bossed a few able fans about I wouldn't have seen a thing! Needs improving 

PA seat - 0

We was told the seats were to the left of the platform, how can you leave a child or vulnerable adult to look after them self, poor again, there's room for a seat on the platform for PA

General accessibility - 2

Could do better, the lift was present but tiny! 

Ticket price - 2

An adult costs £15 .. Which for a friendly felt it was expensive! Esp with everything else considered 

Pre season Wigan away

It was an early start for me 7:20am! I was up to have my meds and get ready, my brother came down at 8am to get me sorted out, bah was packed including my medical drinks and then before I knew it Shaun was here.


The journey up was full of chatter as I hadn't seen Shaun for a while. I had to stop at Stafford as I was feeling sick and needed a drink! We got up to Wigan around 12:15 so I had my second liquid food of the day. Now my first moan of the new season was the parking £5 for the parking that wasn't even disabled .. I was not happy! 

Then Jon, Alex, Nigel, Daniel, Kev and Martin all turned up! Hurray! It was lovely to see everyone! We all got in our wheelchairs and we're off and looking for tickets as Nigel had Togo and pick one up from ticket office, then Kevin suddenly said where's my bum bag? Well it transpired it was back in Manchester with his tickets! We laughed a little but then got into action, well Martin did say, least it's not the cup final! We found a steward who told us Togo round to ticket place, they rang mufc and then printed Kev more tickets! I was then left in charge of the tickets until we found our way round to the east stand. We realised at this point that we wasn't all siting togethe, boo! We was sent up in a lift, then as the door opened we was greeted with a familiar wall of noise!

Now Kev went and found his space, me, Shaun, Jon and Alex were like where do we go E2 win no clear signage and a lack of stewards around which was disappointing to say the least. Eventually we found someone to ask, who suggested we wait til KO to go, what no way! So I felt reluctantly they guided us through united fans to e2! 

We made it to the platform eventually, to be greeted with no PA seats and not the best seats, I growled and scowled a few times! 



At half time I saw my friend 


Then I feel asleep I'm told we scored 2 goals in this time and that's great, seeing lik shaw back was superb! After the match we went back to the car 


We said our goodbyes and see you August 3rd and then the long trip home. I slept, felt pain and and had a bit of a melt down with tiredness and needing the toilet and pain, never a good combination! 

Wigan done .. Not a great place .. On to old Trafford, see you all soon!!