So unfortunately I'm battling a really tough eating problem, my dr is confident I can beat this and so am I with the right support. But right now is really tough because reintroducing food is dangerous as my body isn't use to it so can make me ill and if you add anxiety and panic around food, it's a really shit time for me right.
Every Mother's Day is hard since my mum died in August 2008. This year feels harder because I miss her so much and nans death is still so raw. My mum never wanted anything large all she wanted was a hug. Of course we, me and my brother always spoilt her, cards, teddys, Jewlery, chocolates and I'm sure other stuff too.
My mum wasn't one for materialistic things, she just loved and wanted her family around her. You see my mum wasn't well I never knew though, she's was a wonderful person.
To my mum,
I loved you ever minute you was here and missed you every minute you was away. We was mother and daughter we was so similar in the way we looked, I never realised until you was gone. You made me who I am, you wanted me to have fun but I insisted on having my head in a book ud say go have fun! I am having fun now mum, I go football, dancing too but don't worry I don't sing well apart from football but that's ok, no one can hear me! I've experienced so much since u died and I so wish ud been able to see the holidays, the days out. Most of all I wish u was here to give me the biggest hug, to help me get through this horrible disease, I know it be easier with you.
I love you mum
If your mum is still here, give her a call and or a hug spoil her on Mother's Day. Mums are very special to us all.
When 8 years a go I said goodbye to my mum I never understood what the next day would bring or in fact the coming weeks. The sadness the wanting for my mum, it broke my heart. I remember thinking I'll never see my mum again and crying just sat there crying.
Then I got sick and I was grieving for my self, my former self, my healthier self my walking self oh how I miss Vicky, she was brave, smiling, loving, caring, fighter she was my reason I was able to keep going.
But you see I knew I still had my nan. She made it alright, she would listen, even with her dementia she'd look at my pics of my travels, football, nights out and holidays. She'd listen intently about my adventures and would say now Vicky you are looking after yourself, she'd listen to me tell her anything, we'd laugh, she'd smile and always say why are you in a wheelchair darling, because of the ra nan id say oh yes I remember (I'm not sure she did).
Before she got poorly and me and when mum was alive, I'd sit with my nan for hours while she told me about her family, about politics, Birmingham in the old times and about me, how poorly I was but how I never gave up. Mum and nan had those memories they shared with me, how I wish I'd written them down.
Now though they are gone, I have no memories of my own of my younger days, only vague stories they told me. How can I replace a lifetime? How can I ever smile again without my rocks, my best friends
You see grief you never know how it's going to affect you until it hits you in the face. It takes time to heal.
I miss you both so very much
I hope one day to do you both proud and see the sun shinning again and have good times.
Today I have a confession and unfortunately it is not a good one.
You see I don't handle grief very well and become well withdrawn and emotional but also I just lack appetite. Unfortunately this has lead to a relapse on my eating disorder, I'm so sad to report this but I know I can beat it, like I did before, I have support in place and I will take one day at a time, slow and steady as they say.
I am managing to continue having some food of liquid form , unfortunately when I try and give myself solid food I get acid and panic attacks. It's a tough battle but I'm positive I can get myself back on track with the support of the people around me.
I thought I'd tell you because accepting you have a problem is the second step to recovery, the first is admitting to yourself. Things can only get better.
So today I'm doing a blog about my uncle, who every year goes to Costa Rica with a group of duke of Edinburgh students, they go along and help the community out with building projects, painting. As well as helping school children it by taking supplies like stationary and such.
I guess you could say my uncle is a special person and the students he takes are special and committed to helping this community move forward.
I recently watched a documentary on friendship and it really made me think, apparently you can only have 5 best friends and then 150 further friends in two other categorises. Now before I got rheumatoid I'd have said yes and no, I've never really had best friends close friends yes, maybe that's the issue!
I mean what is a best friend? To me a best friend is someone that sticks by you through good and bad, wants to spend time with you, always there if you need them good or bad, the feeling you can just pick up the phone to shout, cry, smile, celebrate ... That to me is a best friend.
Friendship in general is so important to a person, your friends should light you up, they are all at different levels, but seeing a friend say "your doing alright Vicky" just makes me smile and hold on to hope that I can keep fighting my many battles.
So I look at my many friendships, I am blessed to have friends all around the world, many share a condition with me be it rheumatoid or A heart problem.
Some I've known since well I was a baby, first school, middle, school, high school, college, uni and adult life!
I am still questioning the whole best friend question but I can see that I have some very close friends now even though I have rheumatoid and a wheelchair they still enjoy spending time with me!
I mean when I think of friends I'd call or text my brain says .. Andy, Peter, Eric, heather, Katy, Claire and James (not in any particular order) But American wise, Mary and Lee would be top of that list!
So I guess my best friends would be out of those above
But I love all my friends who have ACCEPTED me regardless of rheumatoid or the wheelchair
Now I know what your thinking, what is Vicky on about now! Well In fact my dear readers I'm talking about a prescription gel from my doctor that in my opinion is quite amazing!
I've been having this gel for a few years and the early years I knew it made a difference because of sleeping but I didn't see that much difference in the day or morning should that be!
But as winter 2016 has took hold and the old joints are a bit wise with other things going on, pressure on my joints are really taking hold.
So last night, my care lady wasn't well and I though I'd be fine, one day without gel no worries I mean I've done it before, how wrong was I?! Oh the pain I seriously cried I hadn't realised how reliant my hips were on this gel to enable me to sleep.
I mean my friend rang and I couldn't focus to talk to him, it was that bad.
I wrapped my self in two blankets to cushion my hips that didn't help either, well overall I had a very restless sleep.
Come this morning first thing I reached for was .. Painkillers! I managed to wait til I got out of bed, the pain just lingered getting on and off the toilet hurt, getting in and out of the car hurt, anything relating to moving my hips hurt.
No idea what is going on with my hips I think it's the cold snap along with the gel but boy did I feel it, I couldn't even get up to pit my phone on charge as I need to swing my legs.
So tonight I have had my magic gel and here's hoping for a better night sleep, because I tell u what I need a good sleep!