Being a red!

Being a red!!

Being a united fan is like being in this huge family that you didn't know you had! The Reds travel up and down the uk following the Reds and trek across Europe! We do it for our United love of the red shirt, of the crest of Manchester United football club.

Many see me at away games and the odd home game, smiling, in my infamous pink hat! What they don't see is what it does take it get there, because I suffer with rheumatoid arthritis which means I'm in a wheelchair and server anxiety and mild depression.

Day before match day my anxiety kicks in and I can not sleep, trust me I think of everything from missing my train to match called off!

The morning I have to get up 2 hours before I even think of getting ready to get my joints moving enough, then I need to get dressed! Ok now I'll base it on a home game. I then sit worrying about my lift not turning up, I have to take painkillers just todo the 2 hour drive to Manchester without crying in pain! When we eventually get to old Trafford, I've at least once asked to turn around because of my anxiety! There's been tears and so my pain is bad and I'm rocking.

Out the car I can see old Trafford but I crnt go in, after being lifted into my chair I'm thinking I'd rather sit in the car! Now off to the stadium and we walk through crowds my anxiety is huge ... we walk around the stadium so I can compose myself!

We go in, I see certain friendly faces they know I'm upset but put a happy face on we chat. Anxiety lowers but I'm rocking in my seat due to my pain.

Match starts for 90 minutes I'm that smiley pink hat fan people know ...

Then the anxiety starts all over again, the pain worse for sitting in the cold weather.

It takes me two days to recover ....

Why do I do it? Because I'm a RED!

My friend Lee

hi everyone,

I havnt blogged for a while but I want you guys to meet my friend lee from the USA!  We started following each other because we both support mufc, one day a year ago I tweeted something about my health and lee dropped me a private message. Since that day we have spoken every day about everything from Christmas, thanksgiving, United, Clemson, Seahawks and Atlanta! Plus personal stuff too. It's been lovely to have a friend to talk to about anythimg.

We have laughed and cried together through social media .. it's been a rocky 2016

Thanks for being there at 4am when I'm in so much pain .. or when I'm ready to moan about well football! Lol

This year would have been tough without you ❤️

Thanks for everything, here's to 2017

Update

hello,

It's been a while since I gave an update on things. I thought being 31 would be a good year it's not, my rheumatoid has got so much worse.

You see I don't have physio or hydro any ore, I'd love a hydro/hot tub at home it's so relaxing on my joints I feel so chilled out without pain because of the heat.

Anyway ..

Now things have changed I crnt get on and off the toilet any more I have to be lifted. They are looking at getting me a hoist, which upsets me, but I've such a small frame an adult one doesn't fit and a child one doesn't fit because I'm to big! So now I have to wait to get one made for me.

I havnt eaten solid food since February, but I was having trouble before then. So now all my food is pureed and my weight is dangerously low, I have to rely on someone to do all my food.

I crnt even get on or off my bed now I'm lifted again and then I have blankets put over me as I crnt even do that now.

I've had emotional issues to, my anxiety is the worse it's been, my depression is bad too, my confidence is shot, I don't see a way forward.

Oh and getting in and out my car is a lifting job, my brother is the only one that can do it. I've got to look at a wheelchair car/van now. I feel so sad about this.

Sorry for moaning I know others are worse off

Xx

Anxiety

Not many of you will know this but i suffer from bad anxiety in particular around food & stressful situations. Now I am sure you all know how much I love football, well the two worlds collided this week and it was awful.

For days, I had really bad headache and bad phelgm because I couldn't do much else but worry about Thursday night, I'd never felt like that before. Now my close friends, dad and doctor and therapist all told me to face the anxiety and enjoy my past time, but I wasn't excited. I nearly cancelled my lift! 

So I get ready with help from my brother, I'm already in tears before my mates arrive. Once I'm in the car I'm uncharacteristically quite bar saying DDG wasn't playing. The closer I got to Manchester I started feeling sick and my stomach was hurting I was nearly doubled up in pain. After getting out the car I had a little cry, people I'm close to told me to get a grip! 

When we got to old Trafford, I couldn't go in so my friend walked round the outside of old Trafford, my stomach hurt so bad, I was crying on and off. Andy said we going in? I didn't want to but I didn't want to sit in the car either!! As the radio goes off after an hour to save car battery and it was on a dark Manchester street!! 

I managed to get into stadium looked for my friend Andy M but couldn't see him so went to my seat. Still feeling sick, belly ache and thinking all kind of things. Then Andy M came bombing down and told me to get a grip in only a way proper friends can, he also made me feel better even cracked a half smile! 

As we left old Trafford my stomach ache went and I didn't feel sick any more, I talked to Andy and Pete all the way home! Then feel asleep.

Will I go back to old Trafford? I don't know well I probably will I've got a Derby Togo to haha!!  It's just not the same any more.

I miss you none anxious Vicky 

To people of the Internet

I'm just a girl, I started this blog when I was hmm 26 I think, wow is it that long, I should check! I started talking about the early years and loosing my mum, since then we've been through a lot I'm 31 and a half now! I havnt shared all my ups and down, when I've been depressed I crnt face blogging, I crnt face much. Although my depression is medium st the min my anxiety is high, didn't have anxiety when I started this blog!

Now I'm sure you remember the wheelchair introduction and the home electric chair, remember when I went full Pelt into the wall, did that hurt! 

I bet you remember the pots of me thanking friends too, the girls, the lads, some of them are not even around now. The football adventures and I still have yet to tell you all about Berlin & Wolfsburg boy was it cold, but I loved the hotel "abba hotel" it was huge and so so nice, so if you find yourself in Berlin then check it out people!!

But you see the point of today and it's aimed at NO ONE in particular a loneliness. I mean don't get me wrong I love footie and football aquinences as even they are dropping off now! But there's more to me than that, yet I feel stuck trapped in my own body. I crnt go anywhere alone yet it feels like no one wants to come with me either, does that even make sense? It's so upsetting I miss exploring and doing random exbos ... I miss just doing stuff .. I miss peopLe wanting todo stuff with me. 

I feel like I need to make a new circle of friends but I don't know how? I hate rheumToid and I hate being in a wheelchair I want my life back

Xx

Rheumatologist

So after a long break tomorrow brings the day I go back to seeing a specialist for my arthritis. To be honest with you, I'm scared, worried, anxious and generally I don't want Togo! But I will go with profs words in my ears, go be strong and remember you are in control and that's what I will hold on to.

Not along blog sorry just my feelings ahead of tomorrow, I will do a follow up though tomorrow 

Xx

Dog treats!

Good afternoon,

So last night we have a delivery for some cat food and 2 dog treats, yum yum!!

I got them from barking heads, firstly is like to say they have an amazing customer service!

Now I havnt got pics of the cats yet.. But here goes

Ben really likes the strawberry and cream but he's not good at having his photo done! Upon opening the bag you could smell them and hey we're good!  But I went to dads and Mel nearly ate the whole bag she's a greedy girl 

Yes look at me having my pic taken! Yum yum when am I getting one again? 

I also got some Milkies for my bros puppy and Lenny this they are amazing, give me biscuit or I'll chew your wheelchair!! 

Anxiety and eating

Good evening,

I've never really talked about this before but here goes.

Not many of you will know this but I've suffered with depression officially since I was 16 years old, I'm 31 now, although suspected I've suffered longer. I managed to hide my depression pretty well by always being busy, I studied a lot! When I got RA I couldn't be as busy and the depression worsened.

I've also been diagnosed with adjustment disorder (mainly heard of in the USA) it basically means that a person doesn't cope well with big changes, loosing my mum, getting RA, wheelchair and now loosing my nan ... It's been tough!

Now I won't bore you with explaining my anxiety and eating individually but here's my story.

 Unfortunately since November 2015 I have been battling and at one point loosing an eating disorder. Now I'm not anerexic or balimic my eating problem doesn't have an official name but it's "anxiety driven eating disorder" this means basically anxiety stops me eating.

Now I need to make it clear, I want to eat and this problem is incredibly upsetting and frustrating to me my brain is a hindrance. When I see solid food I have an anxiety attack and I can not eat, I think I'm going to choke it's awful, mans a time I've just cried. I want to eat liver, chicken, potato scallop, Sunday lunch but my brain just stops me, I hate it.

If it's food I don't know then I panic I'm going to have a reaction even though it's unlikely stupid eh? 

I'm sat crying this

So I've become very thin and not the best but I'm trying every day a little bit harder, I can BEAT this one day.

I have four fortisip a day 2x fibre drinks and 2x protein drinks .. These are effectively keeping me going.

I also have soup and broccoli cheese ... That's so good! I love yoghurts and double cream! I've started having mash potato again we use a potato ricer and use butter and cream high calorie and very good! 

I've got a purée machine which I use to purée my veg and also things like liver casserole which I can purée and cornbeef hash which is good.

So yes I'm going through a bad time but I'm not letting it defeat me and one day soon I'll write a blog saying I BEAT IT! Oh and eat an amazing cream cake .. I dream of cream cakes lol

V xx

Mum

Dear mum,

I was sat here thinking of you today, I was wondering what you'd say? Who you'd be proud of? Then I wished I could call you, I even talked about you today, telling Peter about when dad brough Ben the black Labrador home! Then I remembered I couldn't call you, you'd be gone nearly eigh whole years, you left us, to be eternally young and with your daddy. Then I though to myself nan would love to hear about me falling asleep at Wigan, but I couldn't ring her either, it's nearly been six whole months mum? Give her a hug from me.

How have I been left so alone at 31? I mean I have cried so many tears in recent months, just wanted you love, support and advice on all things being thrown at me, a hug from you would make it all better, but I don't have that, I just want to talk to you, I want you to make it all better, because you always made things better mum. I said what would grandad say today I laughed and said he'd say what's happened to you all, I miss our family mum. I miss seeing nan and grandad and aunt pol and uncle Charlie on a Saturday, I feel so alone mum, where has my family gone.

I know your looking out for me though mum coz my football always works out in the end, even if I leave everything to last minute, or are you keeping me on my toes mum?! Lol

Oh mum I miss you so much wish we could hug again, can you believe you've been gone for a whole 8 years next month .. Jesus has my life been crazy since then lol 

My tears will never stop, my love will continue, but mum it won't bring you back, your gone, I crnt hear you any more, I crnt hug you .. But I'll always love my mum no matter what ... Keep hugging nan & grandad ... I miss my inner circle so much 

Love you mum xxxx

DW Wigan scoring

So this season I'm going to add a score to each stadium .. I'm sure you'll all find interesting! 

I am scoring each point out of 5 

Pre contact  - 4

The email was returned quickly although little information about the actually parking situation at the DW even though explaining I was an away fan.

Parking - 1

Although there was plenty of places, there wasn't any designated disabled parking so hard to get in/out of car if your parked next to and cost £5

Stewards - 3

Stewards, helped us get Kevin's ticket reprinted and all smiled but there just wasn't enough about, I know it was only a pre season but I think the majority of stewards were mufc and not Wigan, cold do better! 

Cleanliness - 4

Overall it wasn't too bad!

Signage - 0

This was because we had no direction on how to get into the DW as disabled fans we just wondered round! Then upstairs we had no idea were e2 was again no signs and so I scored this low, we could have easily missed kick off.

Toilets - N/A

I didn't use toilet so I crnt fairly give this a score. It was noted it was ramped access though.

View - 1 

This was poor, if I hadn't bossed a few able fans about I wouldn't have seen a thing! Needs improving 

PA seat - 0

We was told the seats were to the left of the platform, how can you leave a child or vulnerable adult to look after them self, poor again, there's room for a seat on the platform for PA

General accessibility - 2

Could do better, the lift was present but tiny! 

Ticket price - 2

An adult costs £15 .. Which for a friendly felt it was expensive! Esp with everything else considered 

Pre season Wigan away

It was an early start for me 7:20am! I was up to have my meds and get ready, my brother came down at 8am to get me sorted out, bah was packed including my medical drinks and then before I knew it Shaun was here.

The journey up was full of chatter as I hadn't seen Shaun for a while. I had to stop at Stafford as I was feeling sick and needed a drink! We got up to Wigan around 12:15 so I had my second liquid food of the day. Now my first moan of the new season was the parking £5 for the parking that wasn't even disabled .. I was not happy! 

Then Jon, Alex, Nigel, Daniel, Kev and Martin all turned up! Hurray! It was lovely to see everyone! We all got in our wheelchairs and we're off and looking for tickets as Nigel had Togo and pick one up from ticket office, then Kevin suddenly said where's my bum bag? Well it transpired it was back in Manchester with his tickets! We laughed a little but then got into action, well Martin did say, least it's not the cup final! We found a steward who told us Togo round to ticket place, they rang mufc and then printed Kev more tickets! I was then left in charge of the tickets until we found our way round to the east stand. We realised at this point that we wasn't all siting togethe, boo! We was sent up in a lift, then as the door opened we was greeted with a familiar wall of noise!

Now Kev went and found his space, me, Shaun, Jon and Alex were like where do we go E2 win no clear signage and a lack of stewards around which was disappointing to say the least. Eventually we found someone to ask, who suggested we wait til KO to go, what no way! So I felt reluctantly they guided us through united fans to e2! 

We made it to the platform eventually, to be greeted with no PA seats and not the best seats, I growled and scowled a few times! 

At half time I saw my friend 

Then I feel asleep I'm told we scored 2 goals in this time and that's great, seeing lik shaw back was superb! After the match we went back to the car 

We said our goodbyes and see you August 3rd and then the long trip home. I slept, felt pain and and had a bit of a melt down with tiredness and needing the toilet and pain, never a good combination! 

Wigan done .. Not a great place .. On to old Trafford, see you all soon!! 

X 

What's that .... Season 16-17 you say!!

Can you believe it, after a great ending to last season with winning the FA cup, we all went away from Wembley on our summer holidays, or just to recharge the batteries after a long season! Now we are all fresh faced and raring Togo again .. Or are we lol! 

The summer break has brough a goodbye to our Louis the lion heart! And a warm welcome to our Portuguese boss Jose mourinho! We have a couple of new signings and waved goodbye to Ryan Giggs, we will miss you! Then Luke shaw has been seen training, how we missed you Luke!

So what next, well rumour, well the press conference tells us Mr M wants 4 signings that he sees are key, well we have 3 so who next .. Well who bloody knows not me that's for sure! 

Saturday sees a pre season game to Wigan, a U.K. Based friendly, hurray! Of course I signed right up for that one well, I put my hat in the ballot, that's another things that's changed! Sure enough £15 lighter and pre season has me in attendance! So here's to seeing Mr Ms first game! Now as ever I'm looking forward to seeing my pals, big up to Shaun, who's coming with me, we have seen the start of Mr Moyes, Mr Van Gaal together so let's see what Mr M shows us! Of course looking forward to seeing my other pals esp on the platform, Jon & Alex, Kev & martin but we will all miss Andy and of course my lovely able mates, let's hear you Saturday! 

Then well I'm heading to old Trafford in August, to see Wayne Rooney play in his testimonial against Everton, Mr Ms first game at old Trafford! Then we are all heading down the road to that London to see the Reds take on leciester in the community shield, and there's been a request going round for everyone to clap on the 23rd minute in memory of a leciester fan, get involved reds! 

Then the premier league kicks off yes!!! Bournemouth away on a Sunday! Hopefully be a top day on the south coast, I'll be there having completed 910 miles by mid August! 

So ladies and gents here's to a good season, lots of laughter and fun along the way! 

Me and the wheelchair, well we are ready for this adventure, let's get this party started!! See you all soon xx

Creative!

Good evening,

Recently I've been struggling badly with anxiety so I decided to try and become creative, I've ended up with a huge box full of bits and then a second box full of card stock! I've made 3 projects soon, I'd like to make more just not sure what yet, well I have one idea todo with football, can you believe we are here again? So anyway here's some bits I've made in the last month,

This is my 3D heart card, I'm very proud of it!

A gift I made which I thought was nice

This is my smile card for a friend :) 

Xx

Fortisip and me!

So as my regular readers will know I'm struggling with an eating disorder I reached 5 stone 2 and I'm going to my monthly weigh in next week, let's see hopefully a gain! 

Struggling with food is due to anxiety and stress around food, it's not that I don't want to eat because I do, I drool over cream slices and donoughts, also mash potato .. There's only so much soup a girl can take! 

However to keep me going I have to take 3 fortisip a day, that helps me with protein and fibre in take as well as calories which are important! 

I have my first first thing in the morning around 8:15am a strawberry flavour which is fiber full! I'm not that keen on strawberry but they don't do it in chocolate! 

Lunch time I'm trying to introduce food, broccoli is good! 

My next one is about 4pm and it's chocolate! I have this after my soup! Then I have two lovely yoghurts! 

My last one is at 9:15pm and its chocolate again ...

That's 900 calories approx! 

All my food is also puréed as I crnt deal with solid food, one day I will eat that cream slice lol 

Xx

Manchester & chester 2016

Earlier on in the year I had a great trip to Manchester and Chester with my friend heather fro, Dublin, it's always lovely to see heather.

Unfortunately my health wasn't the best but we tried to make the best of it! We met in Manchester at the train station! And off we went to the palace hotel apartments which I've stayed at a few times! It's always lovely there! After some unpacking and getting dressed we was off to my favourite place to eat Rossos for a lovely meal. Well die to my eating I had mash potatoes but heather had some lovely food! 

We had a walk back through Manchester, stopping at morrisons for some lemonade and other goodies! Then we settled down to watch a bit of football before I went off to bed I was shattered and was excited to be visiting Chester as id never visited.

We was up early, got a taxi to the train station! Picked up our train station, the assistance I'd booked hadn't been logged but luckily we had some one to help! The train journey was about an hour going through some beautiful landscape at times! When we arrived at Chester the train manager kept his promise and got us off the train with the ramp, thank you mr train manager! We then got a cab to the hotel! A new hotel the Grosvenor.

Upon arrival the hotel porter retrieved a ramp for us and off I went out luggage was taken and stored for us. The room wasn't ready but they did let us check in and we left our luggage, they kindly rang us a taxi .. We was off to Chester zoo!! 

The zoo it absolutely huge but also amazing, I hadn't been to the zoo for a long time and I really enjoyed myself, seeing the animals in particular the little baby meerkats! The zoo was well laid out and over all I was impressed with the accessibility! The zoo offers the career to enter for free with you. After a long walk round a pit stop for some food, we rang the kind taxi driver who confirmed he'd pick us up around 4.30pm .. Time Togo in the shop! I brought the cutest magnet with a meerkat on it! 

After we got back from the zoo we asked if our room was ready, which it was! The lady kindly showed us to our room and explained about breakfast and such. The room was beautiful, we decided to chill for a bit then we went down stairs for the best lemonade I've ever had and some food for heather! That night we chilled out watching to and having a chat, which I really enjoyed :) 

The next day and heather got up early and went for breakfast, mine was delivered to the room at 9:30am, I really enjoyed the thick creamy milk that was full of vital calories as well as a hot choc which was yummy! I also got some toast which heather tried! And a croissant I took for later! 

After packing and saying goodbye to the room, we left out bags at the hotel and went sightseeing, the main trip was the cathedral which was amazing, I lit a candle for my nan while there.

We also went into the centre and onto the Roman wall! Then I retreated to the hotel as I was feeling in a lot of pain and heather went to look at some ruins while I enjoyed another lemonade! After a toilet break, we headed back to the train station. 

Again no pre booked assistance which did annoy me but these things happen, we was helped on at Chester and enjoyed a trip back, I was in real pain at the point and kindly heather said she didn't mind if I left earlier than planned. 

I was on my way home after saying goodbye, I had a little cry as leaving earlier wasn't planned and I was going to miss heathers company. I was also really stressed as my bank card had been stopped due to a fraud on my account! Luckily I was able to get hold of uncle Charlie and he was able to pick me up as I had no money on me!

I was glad to get Home and see my pets and have my bed, I had a few days rest before I was able to fully bounce back.

Thank you for a great weekend heather :) 

Who?

Since getting rheumatoid and its continued demise on my body, I mean it's gone from walking to being in a wheelchair .. I lost my identity.

So I've been sat thinking .. What does Vicky like ..

Football - I enjoy going to watch the games but I also like being involved in the sport 

Traveling - I enjoy exploring new places and taking in the atmospher and such, I havnt quite worked out how I can carry on doing this yet .. I'll have to think about it.

Taking photos - I've always enjoyed taking photos since I was a teenager, I recently got a bridge Nikon camera I'm looking at getting a tripod and maybe a buzzer so I can continue with my love of photo taking.

Crafts - I enjoy being creative with words, planning, scrape booking, card making and even sewing. I'm sorting my head round all of these so I can get happy crafting again

I'm sure there's other stuff I will come across while rediscovering .. Who knows I might find something new!

Dear you .. Who is you? It might be me? It might be just a word

Dear you,

I'm 31 now I can not quite believe it myself, still feel like I'm 30! But I wanted to write to help you understand, when I was 16 years old I got diagnosed with clinical depression and I don't know if you know about that but it means periods of low mood, tearful times, these can last for weeks, I'm a server to moderate in diagnoses, I get on with it! But even before that I was born with Fallots, a broken heart it had an operation to repair it but I see the dr every year, just to keep an eye on it! While I was growing up I got croop that turned into asthma, can you believe it, my lungs and heart fucked! I kept going though, bouncing along in my own little world, I mean if I knuckled down I'd be ok, everyone told me they'd be proud of me what ever happened when I took my exams, but I wanted to make them proud. 

I had a few years peace it was great then the shit just hit the fan, life would never be the sane again. I got rheumatoid arthritis, at 31 I crnt even get out of bed myself now, but I keep smiling until I have a down period, then I wake up crying at my situation, that I crnt walk, crnt live my life how I want to. Then things got worse I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder that has many elements, I don't really get it, it wasn't really explained, or I couldn't take it in, I'm not sure! I know it means I don't cope well with change, it also has reactive depression within the condition, so that's two types of depression I fight with every single day, yet I'm still smiling. Then I got an eating disorder well technically it's a relapse can you imagine crying at the sight of food, I want to eat it, the chicken, the chips, the chocolate eclair but I crnt .. I have to eat soup or puréed food right now with a supplement drink three times a day, but you still see me smiling. Then you come to the anxiety and panic attacks I suffer daily 20+ a day, but I keep smiling, I have to keep smiling. Then I forgot about the osteoporosis my bones are weaker apparently it's typical of rheumatoid, great thanks for that! 

My hands are deformed, my feet swell, I still get my nails done, I still smile could you?  Oh I nearly forgot the hearing loss in one ear and near deafness in the other, I often forget as I lip read and if I don't hear I just smile politely!

When I go to football just for 90 minutes I feel totally normal, Doing a normal thing with my mates, but thanks to one incident I've been having nightmares and even anxiety attacks about going .. I made it to Wembley though I sucked it up!

So you see life is not easy for me from the moment I wake up to the moment of that last nightmare, but I keep smiling, you've seen me smile, yet I don't know why I have Togo through this shit, who's to blame? Probably the biological dad and his bad genes, I blame myself, mum told me not to about my heart, it's one of them things she'd say. Now though I blame me for not being strong enough.

I just wonder how many people could live my life and still smile, being in pain 24/7 fucked body and fucked mind? 

Don't judge people .. YOU don't know what they are dealing with 

Season review. ... Part one

So I find myself at the end of season 2015/2016 what a season it's been for me personally and Manchester United! We have contested in the premier league, capital one cup, FA cup, champions league and Europa league! It's certainly been emotional! 

The first place I'd like to start though is at the end! This season has been a real adventure, I've made so many new friends along the way which has made the season even more special, we have got soaked together, froze together, sang together and celebrated a few birthdays a long the way! So here's a few thanks, hi 5s and see you next term! Martin G thanks for villa, semi final and final at Wembley! Andy B thanks for the European trips, the long away days and the home adventures! Peter thanks for keeping our winning streak .. Let's keep it going next season! Thanks to Raman for the lift and the super company, thanks to Martin S for the chat and support. Thanks to Carolyn for helping me out at Bournemouth! Thanks to Dan for our Southampton adventure! Thanks to Eric for coming to say hi at Everton and Bournemouth and palace! Thanks to Bebo for a fun evening in Derby, place went off!! Thanks to everyone else who I've met along the way this season, see you next season!! 

Now to a very special group my MUDSA friends, where do I start?! This season has been tough at times for all of us but we stuck together and kept smiling and supporting United .. It's been emotional, I shall miss you over the summer! See you all next season! Kevin, we have become close this season since our first official meeting last season "scary brummie" we have shared many laughs and you've helped me with my eating issues. Big hiya to Martin your body guard .. Glad he recovered from his killer flu to help you LOL! Andy M our first encounter was when we was both moaning at being pissed wet through in Brugge and the flooded area, we have become good friends since, we are similar in many ways! Thanks for caring after seeing me in a bad shape with my eating. Big shout out to his pal Nigel don't think we ever chatter but see you a lot! Zoe it's been lovely having our chats when I've seen you at away games, big hello to Richard your lovely hubby been fab getting to know you both. Scott thanks for Bournemouth we may have been lost and without taxis but we made it back for food and drinks! Then we move on to little Alex who makes us all smile, it's been such a privilege to watch you grow and progress this season your an absolute credit to your family and of course our away mascot, you rock! Your dad Jon has been an absolute gem this season thanks for your friendship and care when I've  been going through some tough times, also lovely to meet your wife Victoria at Stoke and of course your brother in Brugge it's been a pleasure meeting your family. Shoutout to Liz who is such a lovely person so glad we got Togo to a home match together, we saw rashford United debut I'll never forget that, also all the help you've given me this last season.  Lastly Ann Marie, who I've seen at home matches and Wembley, so glad I was sat near you and we got our pic, it's been a pleasure getting to know you thanks for all your advice and help. 

You see this year personally has been really tough for me, with my health deteriorating, my nan passing away and then my eating disorder coming back, yet my football family stood by me through it all, for that I'll be forever grateful for, I hope we are friends for life!

 My first official game of the new season came early on, an away trip to Aston Villa which isn't far from home! As ever the day didn't start well, traffic and the road closed! We eventually got there and we didn't have a clue where Togo! So off we went in amongst the home fans rocking it, hey we sounded like them! Now we asked a steward who handed me a ballon, I'm 30 years old! Then a sweet, well that's different! Found our entrance, Martin finished his drink before they gave him his change!! Now we went to our seat, yup not the best sat with the villa fans, great! We actually thought the game might be called off as fans were well lacking but eventually the red army emerged! I had Kev and Martin to my right and Jon and Alex to my left! I spoke to kev a little as he asked Martin to help him. I was then basically ear wigging Jon and Andys conversation about Brugge and throwing my two pennies in when needed! The game ended well and my first 30.8 miles were completed! 

What next European adventure!!

So we found out we had tickets the Friday of the villa game and had to give our travel plans by the Monday, the stress! Oh and Andy B didn't have his updated passport, things were tense! So we decided I'd make my way to London the day before, stay over in Kent then head to the tunnel, drive and park at Brugge stadium then drive back after the match. Sounds simple doesn't it! Well with waiting for a passport, which did arrive hurray! It was a bit of an adventure! 

So my first leg was getting to the train station, I made it and before I knew it I was waving bye to my brother and Birmingham here I come London! I arrived in London then had the normal hassle getting across London with the wheelchair, the lifts and my many bags! Finally arriving at the o2 for the 3rd phase to Kent! It was a bad trip but my mind was thinking oh the early morning! Upon arrival at Andys I had to rearrange my luggage as I was taking a day bag! Plus had some cheese scones! We popped to Tesco to get a few essentials, phone charger, squash and cheese lol! After lunch was sorted it was time to get some shut eye!

Who knew there was a 5am?! The things you do for MUFC after a struggle with my joints lol I was up dressed and ready, got in the car and away we was, got about quarter of the way then Andy went forgot my phone, so back we went lol! Finally on our way second time lucky, and a final check, phones, Chargers, passports, match tickets yup got it all!! We made it to train, disabled line was empty! Then it didn't open and I was really mad! Lol so I was grunting to myself and then tweeted the euro tunnel! We eventually got on the next train, a later one than expected, I could have slept in longer! Now I was a bit nervous, never been on tunnel before, i had been following my pals journey on Facebook now it was my turn! Bye bye England ... Hello France only took about 30 mins! 

We had to drive through France which was enjoyable, then Belgium and boom lost, it was a weird looking roundabout and it confused the sat nav, I think we went round it about 8 times!! But all was not lost we found Brugge! Then got lost again, I swear we went up and dos the same street 6 times, even ended up in a wood at one point!! We then asked a police officer who directed us and finally parked up to be told u have Togo into the city centre, what!!!! 

So after a bite to eat and a bit of rearranging in the car off we went! It was a longish walk and not knowing where we was going didn't really help! We made it though, I was grumpy so many cobbles it hurt so bad! But I got my postcard and magnets! Then went into the main square and soaked up the atmospher and tried to locate Peter and Gordon, no luck though! We were advised to head back ahead of the United March so off we went, stopping to get dad some chocolate! The journey back was a bit quicker well it felt it! I jumped in car for a bit then I spotted the United wheelchairs! Rain was coming down but if we was all there they might let us in early! They did yes!! 

Now it was absolutely pissing it down! Brugge kindly gave us a rain Mac (LOL) In blue of all colours! The best was yet to come! The wheelchair section was terrible flooded and a huge wall, well that started me off moaning and Andy M was moaning! I spoke to Jon & Nigel with Alex! We was all moaning haha, bonding exercise lol! Luckily the rain stopped for the game, and the club de flooded us! Me I'm small and Alex is a child so we wasn't seeing  over the wall! Before kick off and outside in our blue macs we was all chatting, Jon suggested we sat by the emergency gate, fantastic! We could see woho! Now amongst all the noise I somehow heard a whistle and looked up at the United fans and it was Peter waving, I waved back and rather amused with my hearing I heard anything! Now a few other funny things happened that night, first a lad got on the pitch and stopped and the steward fell on his ass, we all laughed! Next the United fans in full voice, were told that the last train back to Brussels was due to leave and they'd miss it if they didn't leave it what did they do .. "And now your going to believe us we're going to miss the train" to much laughter from the Brugge fans, they have a great sense of humour! We won YES! Then it was time for me to use toilet as we was heading straight home, before leaving we was all like see you Sunday! Firstly the toilet was flooded and I got water on my head marvellous! Then I got locked in .. They didn't check the toilet they just locked it! So me full international flapping my arms haha! I decided I'd learn help for any further trips! We eventually got out! We were back in the car after a mufc official telling me to behave haha! Then the cops holding us for 8 mins while they decided  if we should wait for the united lot! The car felt good, I could maybe sleep! We went back through the wood lol a police escort this time getting the fans out ASAP! We managed to get back safely to France, then got lost haha! Well it was late! We eventually got on the train back to England! The roads were empty and I was feeling tired but buzzing football does that! Although I remember my head hitting the pillow and then waking up late the next day a little confused, what happened yesterday! My job fir that day was to ring Swansea and book parking, none left darn! So we'd have to wing it! The next few days went quickly I mainly slept! Was I going to be ready for Swansea, of course I was!! 

Swansea away, another early start, but I was going home after! I hadn't seen my kitties for a while! Now back In the car, I have to admit I was dreading it, I hadn't fully recovered from my jaunt across Europe! But here I was off again ready to embark on a Welsh adventure! As we were traveling I was quite dam it was hurting, why was I doing this to my body? For the love of Manchester United, I'd be ok! We discovered the main bridge was closed so had to use the other! I started needing the toilet, so we stopped and it didn't even have a cash point or white chocolate, unimpressed Vicky! The traffic was just awful going through Cardiff it was a real ball ache! We made it, a little tension trying to find a car parking space but we did, my body was just hurting so bad, I knew I was in trouble! We made our way around the ground, to where the traveling Reds were! We was told we could enter through the wheelchair door by a lovely DLO. Swansea is very good for disabled fans, lifts, DLO on hand to fetch stuff for you. Large toilets. Mostly was good to see everyone, the hardcore few who'd been n Brugge days earlier! Plus kev was here! We all had a chat before I knew it was back to the car and see you in September! The journey Home was long as I was tired and hurting a loss made it worse! 

Football millage & chapter titles! 15/16

August

Aston villa away 30.8 miles "brummie adventure"

Brugge away 602 miles "lost, woods & rain "

Swansea away 390.6 miles "Wales with grump"

993.4

September 

Southampton 266 miles "south coast with love"

266 miles

October 

Everton 230 miles "redditch reds"

Home v city 200 miles "derby day"

Palace 250.4 miles "to view or not to view"

680.4 miles

November 

Leicester 110 miles "cold and rain"

110 miles 

December

Home v West Ham 200 miles "cockney away fans!"

Wolfsburg 1364 miles (282 miles) "frozen in Wolfsburg"

Bournemouth 310.6 miles " seat flipping"

Stoke 108.4 "flying balls"

1983 miles

January 

Newcastle 444.6 miles  "Gateshead stay"

Derby 136.4 miles "lads and taxis""

581 miles

February 

Chelsea 238 miles "hail or no hail"

Shrewsbury 88 miles "nearly there"

Home game v mijitland 200 " freezing with the Scandinavians"

526

March

Liverpool 215 miles " in deepest Cheshire"

Liverpool at home 200 miles "flares and all"

Manchester city away 200 miles "traffic!" 

615 miles 

April

Wembley 200 miles semi final "expensive beers"

May

Wembley 200 miles final! Unknown title 

Re-feeding and me

So unfortunately I'm battling a really tough eating problem, my dr is confident I can beat this and so am I with the right support. But right now is really tough because reintroducing food is dangerous as my body isn't use to it so can make me ill and if you add anxiety and panic around food, it's a really shit time for me right.

I just want to feel better again

Xx

Mother's Day

So tomorrow is Mother's Day 2016

Every Mother's Day is hard since my mum died in August 2008. This year feels harder because I miss her so much and nans death is still so raw. My mum never wanted anything large all she wanted was a hug. Of course we, me and my brother always spoilt her, cards, teddys, Jewlery, chocolates and I'm sure other stuff too.

My mum wasn't one for materialistic things, she just loved and wanted her family around her. You see my mum wasn't well I never knew though, she's was a wonderful person.

To my mum,

I loved you ever minute you was here and missed you every minute you was away. We was mother and daughter we was so similar in the way we looked, I never realised until you was gone. You made me who I am, you wanted me to have fun but I insisted on having my head in a book ud say go have fun! I am having fun now mum, I go football, dancing too but don't worry I don't sing well apart from football but that's ok, no one can hear me! I've experienced so much since u died and I so wish ud been able to see the holidays, the days out. Most of all I wish u was here to give me the biggest hug, to help me get through this horrible disease, I know it be easier with you. 

I love you mum

If your mum is still here, give her a call and or a hug spoil her on Mother's Day. Mums are very special to us all.

Xx

Mum & nan

When 8 years a go I said goodbye to my mum I never understood what the next day would bring or in fact the coming weeks. The sadness the wanting for my mum, it broke my heart. I remember thinking I'll never see my mum again and crying just sat there crying.

Then I got sick and I was grieving for my self, my former self, my healthier self my walking self oh how I miss Vicky, she was brave, smiling, loving, caring, fighter she was my reason I was able to keep going.

But you see I knew I still had my nan. She made it alright, she would listen, even with her dementia she'd look at my pics of my travels, football, nights out and holidays. She'd listen intently about my adventures and would say now Vicky you are looking after yourself, she'd listen to me tell her anything, we'd laugh, she'd smile and always say why are you in a wheelchair darling, because of the ra nan id say oh yes I remember (I'm not sure she did). 

Before she got poorly and me and when mum was alive, I'd sit with my nan for hours while she told me about her family, about politics, Birmingham in the old times and about me, how poorly I was but how I never gave up. Mum and nan had those memories they shared with me, how I wish I'd written them down.

Now though they are gone, I have no memories of my own of my younger days, only vague stories they told me. How can I replace a lifetime? How can I ever smile again without my rocks, my best friends

You see grief you never know how it's going to affect you until it hits you in the face. It takes time to heal.

I miss you both so very much 

I hope one day to do you both proud and see the sun shinning again and have good times.

Xx

Confession

Today I have a confession and unfortunately it is not a good one.

You see I don't handle grief very well and become well withdrawn and emotional but also I just lack appetite. Unfortunately this has lead to a relapse on my eating disorder, I'm so sad to report this but I know I can beat it, like I did before, I have support in place and I will take one day at a time, slow and steady as they say.

I am managing to continue having some food of liquid form , unfortunately when I try and give myself solid food I get acid and panic attacks. It's a tough battle but I'm positive I can get myself back on track with the support of the people around me.

I thought I'd tell you because accepting you have a problem is the second step to recovery, the first is admitting to yourself. Things can only get better.

Lots of love V xx

My uncle

So today I'm doing a blog about my uncle, who every year goes to Costa Rica with a group of duke of Edinburgh students, they go along and help the community out with building projects, painting. As well as helping school children it by taking supplies like stationary and such.

I guess you could say my uncle is a special person and the students he takes are special and committed to helping this community move forward.

https://www.gofundme.com/hppppruk

You will see the go fund me link above if you wish to send a donation or watch the YouTube clip of last years trip, you should watch if nothing else it'll inspire you as he has always inspired me.

Friendship

Friendship

I recently watched a documentary on friendship and it really made me think, apparently you can only have 5 best friends and then 150 further friends in two other categorises. Now before I got rheumatoid I'd have said yes and no, I've never really had best friends close friends yes, maybe that's the issue!

I mean what is a best friend? To me a best friend is someone that sticks by you through good and bad, wants to spend time with you, always there if you need them good or bad, the feeling you can just pick up the phone to shout, cry, smile, celebrate ... That to me is a best friend.

Friendship in general is so important to a person, your friends should light you up, they are all at different levels, but seeing a friend say "your doing alright Vicky" just makes me smile and hold on to hope that I can keep fighting my many battles.

So I look at my many friendships, I am blessed to have friends all around the world, many share a condition with me be it rheumatoid or A heart problem.

Some I've known since well I was a baby, first school, middle, school, high school, college, uni and adult life!

I am still questioning the whole best friend question but I can see that I have some very close friends now even though I have rheumatoid and a wheelchair they still enjoy spending time with me! 

I mean when I think of friends I'd call or text my brain says .. Andy, Peter, Eric, heather, Katy, Claire and James  (not in any particular order) But American wise, Mary and Lee would be top of that list! 

So I guess my best friends would be out of those above

But I love all my friends who have ACCEPTED me regardless of rheumatoid or the wheelchair 

V xx

The magic gel!

Now I know what your thinking, what is Vicky on about now! Well In fact my dear readers I'm talking about a prescription gel from my doctor that in my opinion is quite amazing! 

I've been having this gel for a few years and the early years I knew it made a difference because of sleeping but I didn't see that much difference in the day or morning should that be!

But as winter 2016 has took hold and the old joints are a bit wise with other things going on, pressure on my joints are really taking hold.

So last night, my care lady wasn't well and I though I'd be fine, one day without gel no worries I mean I've done it before, how wrong was I?! Oh the pain I seriously cried I hadn't realised how reliant my hips were on this gel to enable me to sleep.

I mean my friend rang and I couldn't focus to talk to him, it was that bad. 

I wrapped my self in two blankets to cushion my hips that didn't help either, well overall I had a very restless sleep.

Come this morning first thing I reached for was .. Painkillers! I managed to wait til I got out of bed, the pain just lingered getting on and off the toilet hurt, getting in and out of the car hurt, anything relating to moving my hips hurt.

No idea what is going on with my hips I think it's the cold snap along with the gel but boy did I feel it, I couldn't even get up to pit my phone on charge as I need to swing my legs. 

So tonight I have had my magic gel and here's hoping for a better night sleep, because I tell u what I need a good sleep! 

Signing off 

V xx

Night time routine

Now you see since 2012 my lovely cousin has been coming in to me each night, todo bits I need doing that I find difficult, or crnt do like my night time gel! Anyway long story short, Carolyn had to stop coming in, which made me sad, as I loved seeing her and hearing about both her and the girls life now I wouldn't have that interaction! 

Carolyn introduced me to Stella who in turn introduced me to Justine. I was a little apprehensive when I first met them not because of them but because it was change and I don't cope well with change plus I was going to miss my cousinly chat!

So they started coming in and tbh I was fine after a few days, although missing Carolyn, but hey I had seen her every day since 2012 and suddenly it changed, u know a girl with adjustment disorder this was shocking for my brain!

We had a rocky few weeks with Ben, barking, not going to bed as he doesn't like change either! But he's settled down now and it's working really well, apart from my odd football disappearing acts!!

It's nice to talk to different people and learn about them, I'm a people person after all!! 

Xx

End of an era ... The wheelchair

Back in 2010 I was still walking all be it with difficulty and then a little old lady offered me her wheelchair when I was basically falling over getting into the voting building. So here I am having to buy a wheelchair, but it was only short term and it was only for long journeys.

Then as time went back I relied on it more and more much to my heartbreak. However the wheelchair all be it with blue on it has taken me to football, nights out and around to foreign countries! 

If it wasn't for that wheelchair I guess I'd be stuck in bed or on the sofa! I'd not have experienced the things I have and made the friends I have.

So as 2015 drew to an end that tempory wheelchair that became permante couldn't go on any more, the cushion looked like a piece of paper it was that flat! The handles wobbled and the brakes didn't work!!

So a new wheelchair came, I was sad to see my old one go as it helped me adjust, it had me cry with pain of cobbles in Brugge but it had me smile returning back to football!!

So here's to new adventures in 2016 in the new wheelchair it's called Ben! 

You made me who I am

On Monday morning my nan passed away at the grand old age of 85 ... She fell asleep for the last time.

My nan along with my mum who died 8 years ago this August and my grandad who died 17 years ago this month 9/2 they taught me many things while here with me.

Grandad taught me about FAMILY no matter what life throws at you, keep your family close to you, keep in touch and love each other. He also taught me about football! 

My mum she taught me the most, never give up on what you believe in, never give up on your self and never give in to illness .. She also taught me to have friends and look out for them because everyone needs friends

My nan taught me .. Never give up on your dreams, be stubborn and she told me that life it's for living don't regret your decisions

So I raise a drink to the three most beautiful, intelligent, strong minded people who made me the person you know today

I love you and I'll always miss you

Charlie (grandad)

Sue (mum)

Betty (nan) 

Chronic pain

When I was diagnosed with rheumatoid I didn't really understand pain, I mean I had had pain but I just got on with it, you know headache didn't stop me, no pain relief needed for me! 

But now I'm heading to 8 years with rheumatoid this summer, 8 years of chronic pain, 8 years living in 24/7 pain with no break, I'm emotionally and physically knackered ... I have and do keep fighting to have a normal life, but it's taking its toll ... Just imagine being in pain 24/7 365 days a year .. From your little toe to your head ... There's no break from this pain.

Some times it intensifies so your crying so pain, sometimes your just rocking, but you get through it one step at a time u work through it mentally .. 

I'd love to have a pain free day, what a day that would be 

X

A year on

A year a go today I went to Cambridge United at the FA cup, we took a draw and they came to old Trafford, but that very day in a way changed me well as a football fan! 

I'd sat on the train wondering if I was doing the right thing going, I sat there talking to a group of women on the train, talk to anyone me then! The thing was what I didn't know was things were going to change that night, for the better. 

I mean I was low on confidence, I didn't see how I had friends, I knew football would pull me out but I never realised just how much.

I first met Andy who seemed a nice guy, he I'm sure thought crazy brummie chick, I'm from Worcestershire people!! 

The game came, I first saw Jon and Alex although we didn't speak, Jon was busy patting di Maria on the back!! 

Seeing the view at Cambridge enlightened my outrage for wheelchair users everywhere!

I also met random away fans who I regular chat to Even now a year on.

After walking back everyone was going back to cars, hotels you could feel the disappointment in them all .. I mean drawing to Cambridge!

In the hotel bar, waiting for Andy I was thinking dam I'm cold haha! Then I met peter and Gordon! The Scottish lads as I call them now with affection!!

After that night, going home I though to myself I think I'll be ok going away with United, suddenly I felt able Togo again without fear 

A year on .. I'm still friends with Andy, Peter and Gordon made some some lovely memories with them. 

I've become friends with Andy M,  Scott, Jon and Alex, Kevin and Martin and Zoe and Richard .. I call us the wheelchair gang! We've made many memories together, including getting soaked in Brugge and freezing outer butts on a train platform in Wolfsburg lol 

But I've also made new friends in the able section too, the traveling United fans are a family and accept this crazy Worcestershire lass who wears a pink hat, everyone knows where I am because of my hat!! 

Thanks for all the love and friendship guys, you made me feel accepted for the first time in my life .. Love you guys ❤️❤️ UNITED!!!