Mum & nan

When 8 years a go I said goodbye to my mum I never understood what the next day would bring or in fact the coming weeks. The sadness the wanting for my mum, it broke my heart. I remember thinking I'll never see my mum again and crying just sat there crying.

Then I got sick and I was grieving for my self, my former self, my healthier self my walking self oh how I miss Vicky, she was brave, smiling, loving, caring, fighter she was my reason I was able to keep going.

But you see I knew I still had my nan. She made it alright, she would listen, even with her dementia she'd look at my pics of my travels, football, nights out and holidays. She'd listen intently about my adventures and would say now Vicky you are looking after yourself, she'd listen to me tell her anything, we'd laugh, she'd smile and always say why are you in a wheelchair darling, because of the ra nan id say oh yes I remember (I'm not sure she did). 

Before she got poorly and me and when mum was alive, I'd sit with my nan for hours while she told me about her family, about politics, Birmingham in the old times and about me, how poorly I was but how I never gave up. Mum and nan had those memories they shared with me, how I wish I'd written them down.

Now though they are gone, I have no memories of my own of my younger days, only vague stories they told me. How can I replace a lifetime? How can I ever smile again without my rocks, my best friends

You see grief you never know how it's going to affect you until it hits you in the face. It takes time to heal.

I miss you both so very much 

I hope one day to do you both proud and see the sun shinning again and have good times.

Xx