Sunday, 5 June 2016

Dear you .. Who is you? It might be me? It might be just a word

Dear you,

I'm 31 now I can not quite believe it myself, still feel like I'm 30! But I wanted to write to help you understand, when I was 16 years old I got diagnosed with clinical depression and I don't know if you know about that but it means periods of low mood, tearful times, these can last for weeks, I'm a server to moderate in diagnoses, I get on with it! But even before that I was born with Fallots, a broken heart it had an operation to repair it but I see the dr every year, just to keep an eye on it! While I was growing up I got croop that turned into asthma, can you believe it, my lungs and heart fucked! I kept going though, bouncing along in my own little world, I mean if I knuckled down I'd be ok, everyone told me they'd be proud of me what ever happened when I took my exams, but I wanted to make them proud. 

I had a few years peace it was great then the shit just hit the fan, life would never be the sane again. I got rheumatoid arthritis, at 31 I crnt even get out of bed myself now, but I keep smiling until I have a down period, then I wake up crying at my situation, that I crnt walk, crnt live my life how I want to. Then things got worse I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder that has many elements, I don't really get it, it wasn't really explained, or I couldn't take it in, I'm not sure! I know it means I don't cope well with change, it also has reactive depression within the condition, so that's two types of depression I fight with every single day, yet I'm still smiling. Then I got an eating disorder well technically it's a relapse can you imagine crying at the sight of food, I want to eat it, the chicken, the chips, the chocolate eclair but I crnt .. I have to eat soup or puréed food right now with a supplement drink three times a day, but you still see me smiling. Then you come to the anxiety and panic attacks I suffer daily 20+ a day, but I keep smiling, I have to keep smiling. Then I forgot about the osteoporosis my bones are weaker apparently it's typical of rheumatoid, great thanks for that! 

My hands are deformed, my feet swell, I still get my nails done, I still smile could you?  Oh I nearly forgot the hearing loss in one ear and near deafness in the other, I often forget as I lip read and if I don't hear I just smile politely!

When I go to football just for 90 minutes I feel totally normal, Doing a normal thing with my mates, but thanks to one incident I've been having nightmares and even anxiety attacks about going .. I made it to Wembley though I sucked it up!

So you see life is not easy for me from the moment I wake up to the moment of that last nightmare, but I keep smiling, you've seen me smile, yet I don't know why I have Togo through this shit, who's to blame? Probably the biological dad and his bad genes, I blame myself, mum told me not to about my heart, it's one of them things she'd say. Now though I blame me for not being strong enough.

I just wonder how many people could live my life and still smile, being in pain 24/7 fucked body and fucked mind? 

Don't judge people .. YOU don't know what they are dealing with 

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