Update

hello,

It's been a while since I gave an update on things. I thought being 31 would be a good year it's not, my rheumatoid has got so much worse.

You see I don't have physio or hydro any ore, I'd love a hydro/hot tub at home it's so relaxing on my joints I feel so chilled out without pain because of the heat.

Anyway ..

Now things have changed I crnt get on and off the toilet any more I have to be lifted. They are looking at getting me a hoist, which upsets me, but I've such a small frame an adult one doesn't fit and a child one doesn't fit because I'm to big! So now I have to wait to get one made for me.

I havnt eaten solid food since February, but I was having trouble before then. So now all my food is pureed and my weight is dangerously low, I have to rely on someone to do all my food.

I crnt even get on or off my bed now I'm lifted again and then I have blankets put over me as I crnt even do that now.

I've had emotional issues to, my anxiety is the worse it's been, my depression is bad too, my confidence is shot, I don't see a way forward.

Oh and getting in and out my car is a lifting job, my brother is the only one that can do it. I've got to look at a wheelchair car/van now. I feel so sad about this.

Sorry for moaning I know others are worse off

Xx

Anxiety

Not many of you will know this but i suffer from bad anxiety in particular around food & stressful situations. Now I am sure you all know how much I love football, well the two worlds collided this week and it was awful.

For days, I had really bad headache and bad phelgm because I couldn't do much else but worry about Thursday night, I'd never felt like that before. Now my close friends, dad and doctor and therapist all told me to face the anxiety and enjoy my past time, but I wasn't excited. I nearly cancelled my lift! 

So I get ready with help from my brother, I'm already in tears before my mates arrive. Once I'm in the car I'm uncharacteristically quite bar saying DDG wasn't playing. The closer I got to Manchester I started feeling sick and my stomach was hurting I was nearly doubled up in pain. After getting out the car I had a little cry, people I'm close to told me to get a grip! 

When we got to old Trafford, I couldn't go in so my friend walked round the outside of old Trafford, my stomach hurt so bad, I was crying on and off. Andy said we going in? I didn't want to but I didn't want to sit in the car either!! As the radio goes off after an hour to save car battery and it was on a dark Manchester street!! 

I managed to get into stadium looked for my friend Andy M but couldn't see him so went to my seat. Still feeling sick, belly ache and thinking all kind of things. Then Andy M came bombing down and told me to get a grip in only a way proper friends can, he also made me feel better even cracked a half smile! 

As we left old Trafford my stomach ache went and I didn't feel sick any more, I talked to Andy and Pete all the way home! Then feel asleep.

Will I go back to old Trafford? I don't know well I probably will I've got a Derby Togo to haha!!  It's just not the same any more.

I miss you none anxious Vicky 

To people of the Internet

I'm just a girl, I started this blog when I was hmm 26 I think, wow is it that long, I should check! I started talking about the early years and loosing my mum, since then we've been through a lot I'm 31 and a half now! I havnt shared all my ups and down, when I've been depressed I crnt face blogging, I crnt face much. Although my depression is medium st the min my anxiety is high, didn't have anxiety when I started this blog!

Now I'm sure you remember the wheelchair introduction and the home electric chair, remember when I went full Pelt into the wall, did that hurt! 

I bet you remember the pots of me thanking friends too, the girls, the lads, some of them are not even around now. The football adventures and I still have yet to tell you all about Berlin & Wolfsburg boy was it cold, but I loved the hotel "abba hotel" it was huge and so so nice, so if you find yourself in Berlin then check it out people!!

But you see the point of today and it's aimed at NO ONE in particular a loneliness. I mean don't get me wrong I love footie and football aquinences as even they are dropping off now! But there's more to me than that, yet I feel stuck trapped in my own body. I crnt go anywhere alone yet it feels like no one wants to come with me either, does that even make sense? It's so upsetting I miss exploring and doing random exbos ... I miss just doing stuff .. I miss peopLe wanting todo stuff with me. 

I feel like I need to make a new circle of friends but I don't know how? I hate rheumToid and I hate being in a wheelchair I want my life back

Xx

Rheumatologist

So after a long break tomorrow brings the day I go back to seeing a specialist for my arthritis. To be honest with you, I'm scared, worried, anxious and generally I don't want Togo! But I will go with profs words in my ears, go be strong and remember you are in control and that's what I will hold on to.

Not along blog sorry just my feelings ahead of tomorrow, I will do a follow up though tomorrow 

Xx

Dog treats!

Good afternoon,

So last night we have a delivery for some cat food and 2 dog treats, yum yum!!

I got them from barking heads, firstly is like to say they have an amazing customer service!

Now I havnt got pics of the cats yet.. But here goes

Ben really likes the strawberry and cream but he's not good at having his photo done! Upon opening the bag you could smell them and hey we're good!  But I went to dads and Mel nearly ate the whole bag she's a greedy girl 

Yes look at me having my pic taken! Yum yum when am I getting one again? 

I also got some Milkies for my bros puppy and Lenny this they are amazing, give me biscuit or I'll chew your wheelchair!! 

Anxiety and eating

Good evening,

I've never really talked about this before but here goes.

Not many of you will know this but I've suffered with depression officially since I was 16 years old, I'm 31 now, although suspected I've suffered longer. I managed to hide my depression pretty well by always being busy, I studied a lot! When I got RA I couldn't be as busy and the depression worsened.

I've also been diagnosed with adjustment disorder (mainly heard of in the USA) it basically means that a person doesn't cope well with big changes, loosing my mum, getting RA, wheelchair and now loosing my nan ... It's been tough!

Now I won't bore you with explaining my anxiety and eating individually but here's my story.

 Unfortunately since November 2015 I have been battling and at one point loosing an eating disorder. Now I'm not anerexic or balimic my eating problem doesn't have an official name but it's "anxiety driven eating disorder" this means basically anxiety stops me eating.

Now I need to make it clear, I want to eat and this problem is incredibly upsetting and frustrating to me my brain is a hindrance. When I see solid food I have an anxiety attack and I can not eat, I think I'm going to choke it's awful, mans a time I've just cried. I want to eat liver, chicken, potato scallop, Sunday lunch but my brain just stops me, I hate it.

If it's food I don't know then I panic I'm going to have a reaction even though it's unlikely stupid eh? 

I'm sat crying this

So I've become very thin and not the best but I'm trying every day a little bit harder, I can BEAT this one day.

I have four fortisip a day 2x fibre drinks and 2x protein drinks .. These are effectively keeping me going.

I also have soup and broccoli cheese ... That's so good! I love yoghurts and double cream! I've started having mash potato again we use a potato ricer and use butter and cream high calorie and very good! 

I've got a purée machine which I use to purée my veg and also things like liver casserole which I can purée and cornbeef hash which is good.

So yes I'm going through a bad time but I'm not letting it defeat me and one day soon I'll write a blog saying I BEAT IT! Oh and eat an amazing cream cake .. I dream of cream cakes lol

V xx

Mum

Dear mum,

I was sat here thinking of you today, I was wondering what you'd say? Who you'd be proud of? Then I wished I could call you, I even talked about you today, telling Peter about when dad brough Ben the black Labrador home! Then I remembered I couldn't call you, you'd be gone nearly eigh whole years, you left us, to be eternally young and with your daddy. Then I though to myself nan would love to hear about me falling asleep at Wigan, but I couldn't ring her either, it's nearly been six whole months mum? Give her a hug from me.

How have I been left so alone at 31? I mean I have cried so many tears in recent months, just wanted you love, support and advice on all things being thrown at me, a hug from you would make it all better, but I don't have that, I just want to talk to you, I want you to make it all better, because you always made things better mum. I said what would grandad say today I laughed and said he'd say what's happened to you all, I miss our family mum. I miss seeing nan and grandad and aunt pol and uncle Charlie on a Saturday, I feel so alone mum, where has my family gone.

I know your looking out for me though mum coz my football always works out in the end, even if I leave everything to last minute, or are you keeping me on my toes mum?! Lol

Oh mum I miss you so much wish we could hug again, can you believe you've been gone for a whole 8 years next month .. Jesus has my life been crazy since then lol 

My tears will never stop, my love will continue, but mum it won't bring you back, your gone, I crnt hear you any more, I crnt hug you .. But I'll always love my mum no matter what ... Keep hugging nan & grandad ... I miss my inner circle so much 

Love you mum xxxx