But you look so ...

In truth its been a really tough few weeks. I had the most amazing time in France i felt like vicky again! I was smiling wearing dresses and eating quite a bit for me but then my pain was low and rheumatoid in near remission. Plus good company and the beach boys helped too! Oh and of course the wine helped me become the old/new vicky! However previous to my week in France things were goimng wrong and i avoided them until i came home from France maybe not the best thing to do! On my return i started my countdown to restarting Methrotrexate which im sure you all remember last tome made me really sick and the wallpaper was definatly moving towards me! I know i need to restart this medication because its a chance for me to get my joints into remission and maybe then everything else will start clicking into place, physio and such as like. Im 28 and people say to me " you dont look old enough for arthritis" Rheumatoid is an auto-immune condition that doesnt just affect our joints it affects our organs, hearts, lungs, brains etc Rheumatoid is such a horrible diease that it has to be controled bu medication on the same level as chemotheropy and my treatment is in fact chemotheropy and its not just for a few weeks it could be for a lifetime a lifetime on chemotheropy a lifetime of feeling sh*t although ive been told it does get better! Rheumatoid doesnt just affect me, it affects my family only yesturday my young cousin said "why isnt vicky waving properly" because i have poorly hands was the responce. My family see me in pain every single day they see the tears, the ups and downs of life. Deverstation of loosing my ability to walk the re-adjustment to life in a wheelchair. Rheumatoid affects my friends too they see me upset, fustrated and sometimes angry at thwe way rheumatoid has destroyed me but they see me having fun. People always think im positive and happy but life with rheumatoid is none of them things its a real TOUGH time but i get by with a smile on my face and the love of my family and the kindness of friends. With my upcomimg treatment im feeling quite emotional but more than that im feeling isolated and alone in the treatment before i felt like i had many support outlets however this time i feel as if im alone to be sick and fight the flowers! It will be tough but ill get through it because like everyone says to me "your vicky you'll be alright" The affects of rheumatoid is catascophic to anyone it takes away so much. It has given me so much too like new friends who have rheumatoid that understand, it makes me fight but i already did it. People say to me "how did it feel when you was diagnoised" to be honest i didnt really take it in i broke down on the pavement outside but that was because i felt like i was having my life took away as id only lost my mum a few months earlier. The wprse thing abour rheumatoid is relationships people dont stick around they can not cope with rheumatoid or the low mobility and then i start to feel like im just a usless entity but thats what rheumatoid wants you to think. But then friendship is affect people come face to face with rheumatoid in full flare and they can not cope with it they run they distant them selfs buit always say "we're always be there for you vicky" but they never are during flares its too hard to cope with hey wish i could run away from a flare too but thats life! Rheuimatoid you may wear me down but you havnt won just yet Vicky xx