Monday, 19 August 2013

Five years on

This is the hardest blog post ive written, five years on from my journey starting with rheumatoid. As i write this its exactly five years on from the day my mum died. Now if you have ever lost a mum you will understand the pain and grief of loosing that special person in your life that you love unconditionally. I will always think about love and miss my mum unconditionally. The thing is that morning i was crying into my uncles arms telling him i couldnt believe she had gone i never really expected my life to change so much. I mean i knew life would never be the same but i never expected what happened next. Rheumatoid happened next i started getting pain in my joints, i got told it was grief. After a lot of talking to doctors i got a blood test and got told i got rheumatoid arthritis i didnt really understand what it was. 5 years on i certainly do. As i write this im 28 years and 6 months and i have rheumatoid arthritis, fibramalgia, depression, insomnia (hense why all my posts are late at night and an eating doscorder that im battling .. who said the last 5 years havent been eventual. So along with fighting the pain of loosing my mum dealing with the grief ive had many other battles to fight, my heart is a life long fight, but then rheumatoid went from a few pains to not being able to get dressed to not being able to jump out of bed to not being able to walk on bad days to being dependant on a wheelchair. relationships and friendships we have had many highs and lows ive lost a lot of friends and i dear say i will loose more when they read this eye opening post. fibramalgia i wasnt expecting it but its tough, not only do my joints hurt my muscles too the excritating pain of these chronic illnesses should never be taken lightly. depression, well who wouldnt be after the five years ive had. Ive had some dark days where ive sat and cried and asked WHY ME??? insomnia .. well this has been something ive suffered long before my mum died but 5 years on i havnt had a proper night sleep, every time i sleep i just feel guilt why was i asleep when dad came home why wasnt i there for my mum. eating disorder this will shock many as ive never spoken about it, i lost a lot of weight when my mum died to be exact 2 and a half stone .. im just 5 stone 8 now (at my last weigh in 3 weeks ago) its been a tough and long battle but i am trying to beat it but its just not as easy as well just eat. Dont get me wrong the last 5 years ive had lots of fun too in a way my mums death made me stop and start enjoying life to the fullest. Ive made some fantastic friends in the past 5 years who id be lost without. so tonight as you sit reading this remember lifes a battle but u have to keep fighting in loving memoey of my mum sue we all miss you and proud of your fight xx

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