Fortisip and me!

So as my regular readers will know I'm struggling with an eating disorder I reached 5 stone 2 and I'm going to my monthly weigh in next week, let's see hopefully a gain! 

Struggling with food is due to anxiety and stress around food, it's not that I don't want to eat because I do, I drool over cream slices and donoughts, also mash potato .. There's only so much soup a girl can take! 

However to keep me going I have to take 3 fortisip a day, that helps me with protein and fibre in take as well as calories which are important! 

I have my first first thing in the morning around 8:15am a strawberry flavour which is fiber full! I'm not that keen on strawberry but they don't do it in chocolate! 

Lunch time I'm trying to introduce food, broccoli is good! 

My next one is about 4pm and it's chocolate! I have this after my soup! Then I have two lovely yoghurts! 

My last one is at 9:15pm and its chocolate again ...

That's 900 calories approx! 

All my food is also puréed as I crnt deal with solid food, one day I will eat that cream slice lol 

Xx

Manchester & chester 2016

Earlier on in the year I had a great trip to Manchester and Chester with my friend heather fro, Dublin, it's always lovely to see heather.

Unfortunately my health wasn't the best but we tried to make the best of it! We met in Manchester at the train station! And off we went to the palace hotel apartments which I've stayed at a few times! It's always lovely there! After some unpacking and getting dressed we was off to my favourite place to eat Rossos for a lovely meal. Well die to my eating I had mash potatoes but heather had some lovely food! 

We had a walk back through Manchester, stopping at morrisons for some lemonade and other goodies! Then we settled down to watch a bit of football before I went off to bed I was shattered and was excited to be visiting Chester as id never visited.

We was up early, got a taxi to the train station! Picked up our train station, the assistance I'd booked hadn't been logged but luckily we had some one to help! The train journey was about an hour going through some beautiful landscape at times! When we arrived at Chester the train manager kept his promise and got us off the train with the ramp, thank you mr train manager! We then got a cab to the hotel! A new hotel the Grosvenor.

Upon arrival the hotel porter retrieved a ramp for us and off I went out luggage was taken and stored for us. The room wasn't ready but they did let us check in and we left our luggage, they kindly rang us a taxi .. We was off to Chester zoo!! 

The zoo it absolutely huge but also amazing, I hadn't been to the zoo for a long time and I really enjoyed myself, seeing the animals in particular the little baby meerkats! The zoo was well laid out and over all I was impressed with the accessibility! The zoo offers the career to enter for free with you. After a long walk round a pit stop for some food, we rang the kind taxi driver who confirmed he'd pick us up around 4.30pm .. Time Togo in the shop! I brought the cutest magnet with a meerkat on it! 

After we got back from the zoo we asked if our room was ready, which it was! The lady kindly showed us to our room and explained about breakfast and such. The room was beautiful, we decided to chill for a bit then we went down stairs for the best lemonade I've ever had and some food for heather! That night we chilled out watching to and having a chat, which I really enjoyed :) 

The next day and heather got up early and went for breakfast, mine was delivered to the room at 9:30am, I really enjoyed the thick creamy milk that was full of vital calories as well as a hot choc which was yummy! I also got some toast which heather tried! And a croissant I took for later! 

After packing and saying goodbye to the room, we left out bags at the hotel and went sightseeing, the main trip was the cathedral which was amazing, I lit a candle for my nan while there.

We also went into the centre and onto the Roman wall! Then I retreated to the hotel as I was feeling in a lot of pain and heather went to look at some ruins while I enjoyed another lemonade! After a toilet break, we headed back to the train station. 

Again no pre booked assistance which did annoy me but these things happen, we was helped on at Chester and enjoyed a trip back, I was in real pain at the point and kindly heather said she didn't mind if I left earlier than planned. 

I was on my way home after saying goodbye, I had a little cry as leaving earlier wasn't planned and I was going to miss heathers company. I was also really stressed as my bank card had been stopped due to a fraud on my account! Luckily I was able to get hold of uncle Charlie and he was able to pick me up as I had no money on me!

I was glad to get Home and see my pets and have my bed, I had a few days rest before I was able to fully bounce back.

Thank you for a great weekend heather :) 

Who?

Since getting rheumatoid and its continued demise on my body, I mean it's gone from walking to being in a wheelchair .. I lost my identity.

So I've been sat thinking .. What does Vicky like ..

Football - I enjoy going to watch the games but I also like being involved in the sport 

Traveling - I enjoy exploring new places and taking in the atmospher and such, I havnt quite worked out how I can carry on doing this yet .. I'll have to think about it.

Taking photos - I've always enjoyed taking photos since I was a teenager, I recently got a bridge Nikon camera I'm looking at getting a tripod and maybe a buzzer so I can continue with my love of photo taking.

Crafts - I enjoy being creative with words, planning, scrape booking, card making and even sewing. I'm sorting my head round all of these so I can get happy crafting again

I'm sure there's other stuff I will come across while rediscovering .. Who knows I might find something new!

Dear you .. Who is you? It might be me? It might be just a word

Dear you,

I'm 31 now I can not quite believe it myself, still feel like I'm 30! But I wanted to write to help you understand, when I was 16 years old I got diagnosed with clinical depression and I don't know if you know about that but it means periods of low mood, tearful times, these can last for weeks, I'm a server to moderate in diagnoses, I get on with it! But even before that I was born with Fallots, a broken heart it had an operation to repair it but I see the dr every year, just to keep an eye on it! While I was growing up I got croop that turned into asthma, can you believe it, my lungs and heart fucked! I kept going though, bouncing along in my own little world, I mean if I knuckled down I'd be ok, everyone told me they'd be proud of me what ever happened when I took my exams, but I wanted to make them proud. 

I had a few years peace it was great then the shit just hit the fan, life would never be the sane again. I got rheumatoid arthritis, at 31 I crnt even get out of bed myself now, but I keep smiling until I have a down period, then I wake up crying at my situation, that I crnt walk, crnt live my life how I want to. Then things got worse I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder that has many elements, I don't really get it, it wasn't really explained, or I couldn't take it in, I'm not sure! I know it means I don't cope well with change, it also has reactive depression within the condition, so that's two types of depression I fight with every single day, yet I'm still smiling. Then I got an eating disorder well technically it's a relapse can you imagine crying at the sight of food, I want to eat it, the chicken, the chips, the chocolate eclair but I crnt .. I have to eat soup or puréed food right now with a supplement drink three times a day, but you still see me smiling. Then you come to the anxiety and panic attacks I suffer daily 20+ a day, but I keep smiling, I have to keep smiling. Then I forgot about the osteoporosis my bones are weaker apparently it's typical of rheumatoid, great thanks for that! 

My hands are deformed, my feet swell, I still get my nails done, I still smile could you?  Oh I nearly forgot the hearing loss in one ear and near deafness in the other, I often forget as I lip read and if I don't hear I just smile politely!

When I go to football just for 90 minutes I feel totally normal, Doing a normal thing with my mates, but thanks to one incident I've been having nightmares and even anxiety attacks about going .. I made it to Wembley though I sucked it up!

So you see life is not easy for me from the moment I wake up to the moment of that last nightmare, but I keep smiling, you've seen me smile, yet I don't know why I have Togo through this shit, who's to blame? Probably the biological dad and his bad genes, I blame myself, mum told me not to about my heart, it's one of them things she'd say. Now though I blame me for not being strong enough.

I just wonder how many people could live my life and still smile, being in pain 24/7 fucked body and fucked mind? 

Don't judge people .. YOU don't know what they are dealing with