My 2011 review!

This past year for me has gone really quickly, i dont have many words for the past year if i am honest, it has been painful, tearful, joyful. It has taught me a lot in many respects, one thing is accepting helping some times isnt such a bad thing after all! I have wished i could go back to my dads but now i am glad i didn't. I have enjoyed seeing friends and family, going to the football.

My one stuggle this year other than my Rheumatoid is with my weight its been a long and hard struggle. As i write this 31/12/11 i am eating much better than i was earlier in the year. I have not reached my target of 6 stone but i am making stead progress which is often the best type. Its been heart breaking seeing my weight so low and then starting to eat more and not seeing the results i wanted desperatly. But its starting to happen now the weight is building and i will get there with the help and support that i have in place.

My rheumatoid was covered in a previous post but u'll know its been a tough year a real rollercoaster.

This year i have started to deal with the loss of my mum properly and it is painful talking about her on a monday evening but it is helping me see the light.

Highlights of my 2011 .. getting my dog back, hes the best he's a little bit of trouble but i feel so safe with him and he comoforts me when im not feeling well.

in Feb Birmingham city won the carling cup and then we went on a european tour. Manchester United won their 19th title the excitment of that was massive! My brother and i went to see Gary Nevilles Testimonal and Paul Scholes both legends at Old Trafford. We also saw the Charity Shield at Wembley that was a truely fantastic day!

I have seen Take That live at Wembley Stadium, 2 Premier League Games, Jessie J live in Birmingham The Saturdays in London.

A week with my best friend .. we went to the coast and saw my other friend and her beautiful baby was lovely to catch up, we went to London, we cooked a roast,we also went to manchester and saw the football! we went on safari and we went to the zoo it was a great week very tiring but worth every minute of the week of pain that followed!

This year saw my brother turn 18, an adult in his own right! Ive made some new friends, rekindled old friends. Enjoyed my football alot along with my new love of darts! Just so many sporting highlights for me to mention!

So whats been missing well vicky at times shes been lost and confused and upset, but as we go into 2012 in 23 hours time i will be sure to make a promise to myself that i will refind myself and i wont give up fight my battle and as for Rheumatoid it wont beat me! I will continue to raise awareness of this condition.

I hope to do my friends and family proud. I thank those that have helped me this year in many different aspects, thank you everyone.

RA year review!

Tomorrow i intend on doing a general 2011 review .. But tonight i want to look at a few things ...

Firstly this blog is my proudest achievement this year so Thank you for reading.

This is my 3rd year with rheumatoid and i wont lie its been the tougest yet to face. For many reasons really. The pain has become simply unbearable at times, the fatigue and insomnia have driven me to ultermate dispare and often tears.

Its also been hard from a personality and friendship side, ive made many new friends but equally seen friends struggle with the condition as it has simply got worse. I've been so proud of my family and how they have coped and adjusted to the Rheumatoid this year. My personality has been very tearful at times but its also brough me some really tough times.

But the main thing is the new joints its affected in fact i fear all my joints have had a flare this year! Loosing my ability to walk has been the hardest to overcome but im stronger and better mentally than i was initally.

So Rheumatoid you have changed my life this year in many ways but im still fighting you.

Christmas :)

Over the christmas period i choose not to have anyone come in because i felt that i didnt know when i was going to be home and if i was out when i was going to be in and didnt want to be restricted!

I was fine but as the days went by i got pain coming back more and more, i felt rather miserable, i didnt just miss my gel and help but i missed those that have become friends, the general chat!

Christmas day was ok apart from a hit of fatigue, after lunch with my dad and brother i went to sleep for 2 hours in the arm chair as did my 70 year old dad! I didnt feel bad! Well i should mention my dad hurting his leg then the turkey fat exploding in his face, honestly it was a comical moment!

I have eaten a lot this festive season more than i normally do in probably a week! It has been very good for me i am sure ive put some weight on!

Boxing day i saw my cousin, aunty, uncle and the kids i had a wonderful time we laughed and joked. Played with the kids toys, it was rather funny seeing the eldest kangeroo hop around the room on her battery quad! We went for a walk or should i say push up on the licky hills which was fantastic as ive not been up there for a while, it was bitter cold and the wind was up! But i loved being up there!

Overall this festive season has been filled with seeing family and friends, eating a lot of food! Also sleeping a lot i seem to be so tired recently but also insomnia what is normal sleep!

happy christmas

i wish to wish you all a happy christmas and thank you for reading my blog. i am seeing my family tomorrow and monday :). i am hoping for a pain free day.

catch up again

I’ve had a long few days since i last blogged and very busy due to Christmas fastly approaching. I was quite upset last thursday as i didnt get to see my GP before he retired due to unfortunate circumstances they hadnt got my appointment in the system! Then had my Reiki and that really was good as always i felt so at ease with things felt good. Then i got ready for my london adventure! That ended up with a bit of a nightmare but it was sorted.

London ... So in the end i went after a lot of tears it was quite awful i cried for a few hours, i had been looking forward to it for a long time, but in the end it was sorted out. I had a fantastic time. We laughed, we cried, talked in my sleep! Saw The Saturdays which was an amazing show. I took 105 pictures! It was a lovely start to celebrating the christmas period. I shopped on Saturday in Islington and Moorgate which ive never done before so i enjoyed that! We had food in wembley and islington, crnt beat some good food with your mate. The only problem i had was the fact i didnt want to come home! Wont be going to london now til 2012 March at the latest for my cardiology appointment.

Freetime useful or not

Its ironic really because i have such a lot on every day often i have 2 or more appointments on each day it can be a little hectic but it is worth it because some times it just helps me get things off my chest or some times it helps me to see how i can sort some thing else from an outsiders perspective and some times it helps me see that it's not being unreasonable!

So this week is mad busy but tonight and tomorrow i have nothing on nothing at all, im free to do what ever takes my fancy and you no what i am so bored! I have nothing to focus my mind nothing to be preparing for! Its a strange feelings it is some times unsettling, because i am so use to the appointments to people coming in and out that when it stops i have to find things to do!

Its strange because you look forward to having that day off but then when you have that day off and because your physically limited you crn't actually do anything you think well i wish i was at an appointment, had to do some thing.

But when your busy its like i wish i had 5 mins to look at paint colours for my hallway or so i can catch up with old friends but when you have free time those things can never be done maybe friends are busy or you crnt get out to look at paint so the free time is almost pointless.

So i guess you can never win free time or no free time

Chronic illness

Chronic illness's some are lucky to have never experience it i have however got 2 long term illness's. Some people have have blood pressure issues thats a chronic illness for some. However for me it all started when i was days old and i had a heart problem which i would have for the rest of my life, never did i think at 26 years old that i would infact have two.

My whole life ive been poked, proded saw a lot of doctors, infact i some times say ive seen more doctors than you've had hot dinners to my younger brother! Never can i remeber a time when i didnt have to sit in a waiting room, for my heart, general ill health, general check ups now for rheumatoid and such related to.

Its been hard at times accepting that i will never be free of my chronic illness's because its some thing you always hope one day you will be free of, not sitting in the hospital the week of christmas waiting to see your consultant or sitting in a hot hospital in the middle of a heatwave wishing you were outside like everyone else not going to have an ECG.

I say these things but you no its so normal to me that i think it would be strange not to be seeing doctors! Over the years i have seen hospitals re-locate, gone from child's to adult's care which is scary i cried for days!

You become a number to many a heavy load of files to others. I look in my diary now and think wow 2012 is well mad i have appointments set until Decemeber next year!

Once when i was little i had to go to the general hospital for a check up to have my imunisations as i couldn't have them at school like my friends and doctor came and checked me and he'd never heard a "techtrology of fallots" heart before he was fasinated so off he went moments later i had a whole host of doc's listening to my heart"

Now don't get me wrong i am pleased i can help doc's hear a "different" heart i am pleased i can help people learn about "life with chronic illness's" but its been a long and rocky road and one that at times i have felt like saying no thanks to because it got to much, ive contenplated going AWOL before! But it would not benifit me not in the slightest it may only make things more complicated.

I dont no what the coming years hold for me, but ive seen that many doc's now i dont think it will phase me.

If you live with a chronic illness never give up and remeber that the doctors who are proding you and poking you are trying to help you ultermatly, letting them help you can make your life better even if its just that chat or that reassurance from the doctor that makes you feel better about it all.

My final word goes to my own GP who is retiring this week, ive shed some tears at the thought of it but from the bottom of my heart i thank him for everything he has done for me, the flu jab, the blood tests, the ear suctioning, the understanding, for everything he did to make my mums life as easy as it could be. I will be forever greatful, you will be missed!

rheumatoid

Relentless pain

Hard to deal with

Explaining it makes it seem more painful

Understanding makes it real

Managing the condition with enough medication to draw a picture

A day with less pain is celebrated

T he physio always hurts

Osteoarthritis is not the same as rheumatoid arthritis

In the darkest times your true friends are there

Don’t ever give up fighting even when it feels to much

Acting like everything is ok when it’s not is normal for us

Rheumatologists are specialists in our condition

The condition is the same but everyone suffers different

Having rheumatoid doesn’t mean your life is over

Rheumatoid makes you slow down but not stop

It’s normal to wake up and take an hour to get out of bed with pain

There’s light at the end of the tunnel

It’s allowed me to meet some lovely people I’m just sorry we all have rheumatoid

Saver the good days to remember when you’re having a bad day

Rheumatoid Arthritis

Sleep and stuff

As you will know the past few days have been a total nightmare for me with my pain in my shoulder and resulted in no good quality sleep. Well last night i got 8 hours and it was great and then i had an extra hour today in between going out with my brother to post some xmas cards and pick a few bits up for the week.

Came home and had my hour sleep woke up in the worse mood as my brother was ment to come for tea but he didnt! Never mind i still ate the only problem is im weighing myself weekly to see whats happening and i'm still not gaining any which is a bit of a worry to be honest but im sure it will start soon enough once my body decided it wants to absorb the food again.

In a good mood today first time this week and ive been very emotional most days having a good cry about life with rheumatoid and the wheelchair, the implications of the wheelchair on my life both just for me and in terms of a relationship.

Ill blog about that tomorrow and its a blog all on its own my feels about that topic.

Anyway apart from a bad knee, sore back im starting to feel better! Long week a head lots of appointments.

X

i cry

I cry because it hurts

I cry because your meant to be my friend

I cry because its lonely

I cry because i want to be loved

I cry because i lost you

I cry because you don’t understand

I cry because you will never leave me rheumatoid

I cry because i like you but the wheelchair is there

I cry because of the wheelchair

Crying helps to allow your fears and pain to be released I cry

Shoulder Saga Continues

We are now on Thursday and i have 1 week to get my shoulder in order. It is still very painful and flexibility isnt great. Ive not been able to get my pj top of for a few days its been a real pain esp as my week is really busy, im next free next wednesday and i have so much to do to get all appointments in order before i go to london as when i get home i dont really want to be going to appointments i want to enjoy the week before christmas! Keep your fingers crossed my shoulder starts to behave! The worse is at night as you dont move much so my shoulder becomes stuck in one position and its so painful to move it, makes me cry.

Had reiki this evening which felt really good i even got a sleep! I can tell it has done my shoulder some good because it feels a little less painful. I am hoping i sleep tonight as i only got literally an hour and everyone has said how tired i look today im exhausted.

Had a little meltdown last night/early hours i just lost the fight. Im ok though it was just the pain and how much i dont want to miss going to london next week ive been waiting 6 months for this i am going to LONDON dam you shoulder you will behave yourself!

Thanks to my friends for your kind words means so much.

Shoulder

Ive had a bad few days with my shoulder. Lat night i was in that much pain i was crying and felt sick with pain. There isn't much i can compare the pain to apart from imagine you have broken a bone that inital pain thats kind of what it feels but worse. It will of course feel better in a few days time. The pain wouldnt go initally with pain killers, i tried heat i tried cold water which helped but there was that much heat coming off my shoulder it was drying the flanel off!

I had little sleep last night! Being my shoulder it sends pain down my arm to my elbow and hand so its been difficult to even move my arm without wincing in pain. Hopfully i'll feel better in a few days ready for my busy weeks ahead!

x

Weather

Today is a cold day here. I woke up in pain this morning my knee's playing up. When i came in to the living room i was cheered up to see the christmas tree always lovely! Then opened my advent calander yummy. I go to my dads on a sunday for lunch i always have. For the first time ever i could get to the table this week, my dads house is a big old house and its always cold my brother doesn't help having his windows open! Anyway so i sat and ate my lunch on the sofa with my brother nice as always crn't beat a sunday lunch. Its just cold though my joints are really playing up. I came home lay on the sofa watched the FA cup draw my teams both have derby's so should be a rather interesting weekend to say the lease. I ended up fast asleep and woke uop about an hour later. The fatigue got me.

Its strange but many suffers say they can tell when the weather is bad or there's rain because there joints play up. I have had a bad week over all and guess what the weather has been bad and cold all week! Hopefully things will be better next week.

Book

Since i started this blog a few months back i have had an amazing response from so many people. I have come to understand that my blog in many ways is helping none suffers understanding of this condition but also suffers are enjoying it, it's seemingly affecting a lot of people.

I have ben asked by a lot of people if i would consider turning this in to a book by many people and i have decided that i will do, i'll continue bloging but will put my story into a book.

Thank you everyone x

lads n me

im a 26 year old women, i have feelings i want to achieve so much more than i currently am but rheumatoid has got me in its grips and its trying to beat me and its trying but i'm still fighting im fighting you rheumatoid you hear me?

The worse thing for me is feeling like i'll never have some one special again, ive loved before i know that feeling the butterflies. I'm not so confident these days because of the wheelchair. I have rheumatoid tho im still the same person, im in pain daily i get a bit grumpy some times but im still me.

It hurts when people say "i couldn't be with some one with RA" Well why the heck not hey whats wrong with me? i still got the personality you like, i still got the smile .. im not saying im good looking im just saying i am still me. I am still vicky i am still a person with feelings. Think before you speak.

Oh and RA wont stop me one day ill find some one special until then i'll just be me.

why?

i often sit and wonder why me? why have i got this? why crnt i go back to not having rheumatoid. but i crnt go bk only forward. when people say what they are up to i get upset because i use to do that to.

why im single after 10 years .. why i guess its my rheumatoid ive loved in the past .. ive liked ive fancied but i dout ill ever experience love again because im different now i have rheumtaoid and this condition is hard for any one to deal with .. cuz i my self crnt accept it so how can any one else try and understand life with it?

my dad said to me a few weeks a go "men like to protect you from pain and they crnt protect you so it hurts them"

some one said "friends will stand by you because they no your still vicky"

who am i ..

• fun loving
• flirt - yes i am!
• out going
• talkative

ive got my problems but im still vicky..

proud to be me with my battle scares badge of honour .. rheumatoid suffer .. tof surviver

What is Rheumatoid Arthritis

I get asked this a lot from many different people so i thought i'd tell you in my words.

Rheumatoid arthritis is a chronic, disabling auto-immune condition. My body is at war with its self, my white blood cells attack my joints because they think they are foreign to my body, just like a cold! How does it affect me, i have hot joints you can feel the heat through my clothes, my joints are inflammed and red because of the activity in the joint. Other affects insomnia i can never sleep but also fatigue its a pain i often have afternoon naps at 26! When i'm fatigued i can sleep 15+ hours a day! It is extreamly painful i like in constant pain every day.

Most common joints affected - hands, feet and wrists.

3 times more women get rheumatoid arthritis

in the morning im stiff it can take an hour to get up because im really stiff my joints are painful as they havn't been used over night.

basic facts .. in my words

Dreams can come true

This blog is simply about my dream in life. I'm 26 years old right now. When i was younger i had a dream that dream was to be trained in law and practise. I did my A Levels and then i got in to university on the south coast it was proudest moment i had gotten into law school i was following my dream. Then a life changing event happened and my dream was shattered, i always hoped one day i'd grow strong enough to return and achieve my dream. I tried again but then my mum got sick and i still didnt trust the system. So i left it and i watched my university year graduate i saw them turn in to solicitors and barristers and i am so proud of them.

With my rheumatoid came on i though i'd never go back to my passion my hobby, because of the hard work and the mental pressure and with rheumatoid it is hard. but you know what ive been bothering my self about it recently since i started my teaching training.

I AM FOLLOWING MY DREAM i'm going back im going to graduate despite the rheumatoid, you can still achieve your dreams it may be harder and take longer but never give up on your dreams

x

Moving forward

Today has been a long day i had 3 appointments and luckily i was able to attend all of them. My reiki as always was fantastic although im sure my couisin is getting to good with contacting the angels!

Had a breakthrough today with my food i had Pasta for the first time in years and yum yum it tasted good after the inital panic! Really proud of myself, pats one self on the back, its been a tough ride but hey there is some light!

The main news today is i have decided to hold a huge meeting with my care and support team literally everyone! There will be a lot of people there with a lot of opinions i am sure of that. One thing i know is i have to create some information of Rheumatoid Arthritis from MY view how it affects me. Whats the main aim of the meeting simple really to get the support team working together to help me. I know some may think wow shes brave and yeah i think so to, i'll be in a room with a lot of people who want to help me but all have different views and ways of helping me. Surely though by me doing this it can only help me. I hope it goes well! I am taking my couisin from my family moral support! She can also say how Reiki helps me.

So tonight i have wrote my letters and so this can be posted in the coming days so hopefully every one can make it. Ive also started on a presentation now maybe it is me but it's already 6 slides long and i have hardly started!

I shall keep you up dated on my progress maybe even share a slide of my powerpoint presentation the fact of Rheumatoid.

For now though i'll leave it there.

x