Long day with ups and down!

I went to sleep last night full of what tomorrow would bring with excitment and fear in many aspects both, i had an unsettled sleep tossing and turning, my dad came to say he was going and i was like no you crnt the wheelchair. So dad stayed it wasnt long before the wheelchair was delievered!

I got up and i was really worried because i knew i HAD to have my first breakfast infact i felt sick with worry. The person helped me get up and get ready for my day, had a look at the new wheelchair looks good im looking forward to using the new wheels tomorrow ive noticed it has a horn beep beep out my way!! It was time for food, feeling sick i asked for the cereal bar. I actually felt sick with worry, i took a deep breath and i started eating it, it went down well, but then the panic set in i was in virtual tears it was the most awful thing. But i over come it I DID IT! I ate my food and enjoyed it.

The post man came with my JLS album ekk excited! Ive listened to it loads already! Its the best, well done JLS boys we jlsters are proud as always! Then it was time for physio. Although in between all this i had so many panic attacks i cancelled the person coming in for tea, then i regreated it and had it again!

Physio was ok i tried using some walking frames, and got told to keep my posture good! We have a plan now, i have to have some xrays taken of my knee to figure what is stopping it from getting straighter again. Also got taugh about boards that you slide on and off the wheelchair on, now they seem really good. Its going to be a long ride but isnt everything with rheumatoid?! I'm getting refered to a specialist rheumatology physiotheropist as well so hopfully that will help me as well. Ill try anything for a little normality. I also got some relaxation techniques they helped mind you did send me to sleep!

The big event was next food time. The person arrived and we talked about my indecision in detail it was ok we went into the kitchen and made the tea, i was talking trying to keep my mind off the coming "eating". I had 3 crackers with cheese and some pork pie it went down ok, i felt ok, it was such a relief to be able to actually eat some thing! It gave me some kind of relief and inner statisfaction that i havent experienced for a long time. Although i was nervous and felt unable to do it i did i achieved it by myself.

I then had my counciling which went well we have some thing to work towards now. I think its going to be ok. He helped me worked through the things in my head, i was laughing because i could see that what i was saying wasn't logical.

I miss my mum so much and i want to achieve the normality for my mum because being the way i am now isnt going to help any of us, and i need to get strong again to live my life the way i want to.

Inteligence can both be a great thing but also a hinderance never underestimate the power of inteligence. Well im going to chill out for the rest of the evening as another long day tomorrow, roll on wednesday!

x